It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing.
So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the
rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I
was rolling around in the garden..
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl
and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got
back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment. ----- GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
A businessman got into the elevator. When he entered there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with "T.G.I.F."
He smiled at her and replied...."S.H.I.T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said "T.G.I.F." Don 't you know that means Thank G*d it's Friday."
The man smiled back and said..."S.H.I.T.....which means "Sorry Honey It's Thursday".
An Aussie Bushie walks into a Alice Springs bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the croc up on the bar. He then turns to the astonished patrons and says: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this croc's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured in unanimous approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the croc's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head.
The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The Aussie stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up....
"I'll try it! Just don't hit me with the beer bottle."
BLONDE COOK BOOK WEEKLY RECIPES
MONDAY: Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve
without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought
a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I
can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was
rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all
ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong
with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob
keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve a roast. All
could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out
hamburger, Much to my disappointment
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a
bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a Chocolate Moose.
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work, just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", he said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack, home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!!"
There was a legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York
there was a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the
truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie - poof it swallows
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes
first and says 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman
on Earth'. Poof ! - the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says 'I think
I'm the sexiest woman on Earth'. Poof ! - the mirror
swallows her up.
Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says, 'I think....' Poof !!
Three blondes were having a picnic in the park One of the took out a can of "one-calorie" diet cola and poured it equally into three cups.
She drank hers and the second one did the same but the third blonde just stared at her cup suspiciously.
"I wonder who got the calorie?" she asked
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"
"Are his flashers on?"
The blonde turned around again...... Lemme see....
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and
she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask
God for help.
She begins to pray . "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lotto."Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again
prays. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house,
and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.Once again, she prays ... "My
God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.
My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this
one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding
flash of light as the heavens open.The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this ...... Buy a ticket!"
A Blonde's Woes:
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the
box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per
pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
11. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said
"good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that
the other swimmers were using their arms.
The Blonde and the Trucker
A young Blonde was describing her date to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"Then what happened?" asked her friend.
" He kept insisting, and I kept refusing", the blond woman responded.
"He didn't weaken your resolve, did he?" the friend asked.
"Not a bit. In the end, we went back to HIS apartment, the blonde woman answered, I figured, let HIS mother worry."
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this!" He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in her car. When he turned and looked at her, she had a smile on her face. He was
getting really mad.
He got his knife back out and sliced all her tires.
Then she was laughing. The truck driver was really starting to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, then poured it on her car and set it on fire. He turned around, and she was laughing so hard she was about to fall down.
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" the truck driver hollered to the blonde.
She replied, fighting back her giggling, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Why are the Japanese so smart?
What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde?
You get to park in the Handicapped Zone.
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she
answered, "I was ironing a skirt and the phone rang -- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But - what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a @#$*& called back."
Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.
Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed
her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.
Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!" "Dear God! Did you try to stop him?
"No," she said, "I did better than that!
I got the license plate number!"
Cousin Elly, a blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker. "Wonderful!" she replied
"However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they world leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. The next day, at their office break, the brunette and the redhead decided to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going with them. "No way", the blonde exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Three women are about to be executed before a firing squad. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last words. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!...Aim!!
"Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. In the confusion, she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last words. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!!... "Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last words. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! .......and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies,"Shut up, you're next."
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, were up for the job of homicide detective in a police dept. They had all scored equally on tests and interviews, and the Chief of Police couldn't decide between them. Finally, the Chief decided to ask them all one more question. He called the brunette in to his office and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?" The brunette thought for a moment and then said, "The Jewish aristocracy killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon. He then called in the redhead and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?". The redhead replied, "The Romans killed Jesus." The Chief thanked her and said that he would make his decision soon. Then he called in the blonde and asked her, "Who killed Jesus?". The blonde thought for a while, and then asked the Chief if she could get back to him in a couple of days. The Chief was a little surprised, but decided to give her the time. That night the blonde went out to dinner with her boyfriend. He asked her how the interview had gone. The blonde said, "Interview, hell, I've got my first case!"
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
............."FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
A blonde is visiting Washington, DC. This is her first time to the city, so she wants to see the capitol building. Unfortunately, she can't find it, so she asks a police officer for directions. "Excuse me, officer," the blonde says, "how do I get to the capitol building?" The officer says, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." The blonde thanks the officer and he drives off. Three hours later the police officer comes back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer gets out of his car and says, "Excuse me, but to get to the capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?" The blonde says, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
A policeman was interrogating three blondes who were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture shows his profile." Flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!!Is that the best answer you can come up
with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows thepicture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "...think hard before
giving me a stupid answer."The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised because he really doesn't know himself if the
suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer... and with that, He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on
his face. "Wow! I can't believe it... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Great Work! How were you able to tell that from his photograph?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear
regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is " What is Easter?"
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful.....""Wrong! You are not welcome here, I'm afraid that you must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.He turns to the second blonde and asks her the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we Put up a nice tree, exchange presents and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made To wear a crown of thorns and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued...."Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said to the other blonde, "Wow! Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and replies, "Where?"
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender.
"Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6' 2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6' 5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy hesitates then says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only two seats left on the bottom of the bus and only one seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss. A couple of hours later it's the redhead's turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white. "What's going on?" the red head asks. We're having a grand old time down below." The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."
My favorite "dumb" blonde in the world. I always wanted to adopt her!
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
NOW SCROLL UP
Three blondes died in an accident trying to jump the Grand Canyon. They
are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can
enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is - "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November
when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other
place!" replies St. Peter.
Then he turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question -
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we
put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates
in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in
the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven.
He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU
know what Easter is?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I
know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last
supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed
in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross
with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave
which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third blonde continues ... "Every year the boulder is moved
aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will
be six more weeks of winter!"
Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one
A: So men can understand them.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't ... they're born that way!
Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q : What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A : When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Q : How do you really confuse a blonde?
A : Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: T*ts go in front!
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!
Q: There are three third grade girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
Which one has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde.... she's 18!
Q : What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A : Nothing, they've never met!
Q. How do you know when a blonde has been in your fridge?
A. there's lipstick on all the cucumbers.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and! a mosquito?
A: If you smack the blonde she keeps on sucking!
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an
MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paintwork. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car.
Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music
blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't
know,some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is
Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
"Is it mine?"
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde,
"if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000
miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." replied the blonde.
A blonde had a near death experience when she went horseback riding the other day. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the
Walmart manager happened to walk by and unplug the ride
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her the basics and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 ft., she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 ft., she radioed again, saying how easy it was learning to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 ft., and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anyting after I turned off the big fan.
What is the first thing a blonde asks when she finds out that she's pregnant?
My husband and I
are either going
to buy a
dog or have
We can't decide
whether to ruin
or ruin our lives
The blonde was explaining the bad day she had had at work. Her boss had fallen over from a heart attack and died. "Goodness!" exclaimed her friend."What did you do?" "Well", replied the blonde,"he kept hollering "DIAL 911! DIAL 911!", but he wouldn't give me the rest of the number!"
A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blond and says, "I'll bet you $50 that he jumps." The blond replies, " Ok, you're on." The man jumps and the blonde gives the brunette the $50. The brunette says, "I can't take your money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw him jump then." "No, you have to take it ," said the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
YOUNG,BLONDE AND BEAUTIFUL.....
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New
York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks forward to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats
appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she
moves forward to the last empty one. The Flight Attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York". Flustered, the Flight Attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The Captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the
blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I am going to sit here all the way to New York". The Captain doesn't want to cause a commotion and so
returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend and that he can take care of the
problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers
something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "thank you so much", hugs the Co-pilot
and then rushes back to her seat in the economy
section. The Pilot and the flight Attendant, who were watching with attention, together asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replied "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to
A brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket
for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away and the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!".
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde. "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it."
When the Sun Comes UP
I have morals again!
When women are depressed
they either eat
or go shopping.
When men get depressed
they invade a county
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT....
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were committed around the home, she moved.
It took her months to figure out she could use her AM radio at night.
She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said Airport Left, she turned around and went home.
Under education on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
She studied for a blood test and failed.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She sold her car so she would have gas money.
She looked into a box of Cherrio's and said, "OH, LOOK!! Donutseeds!!"
What's the definition of "eternity?"
............4 blondes at a 4-way stop
How do Blonde Brain Cells Die?
How do you get a Blonde to Marry You?
............Tell her she's pregnant
What is every Blonde's ambition in life?
...........To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet
Whats the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?........Lipstick
Why do Blondes put their hair in Ponytails?
...............To cover up the valve stem
Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
................"This goes in front"
What do you call a freezer full of blondes?
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
.........They're too hard to retrain.
There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. Suddenly a seagull flies over and craps all over them. The brunette say's in a disgusted voice; "Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves, the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead asks, "What's so funny?" The blonde says "Well, blondes are suppose to be so dumb.......but
look at her.......by the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
A blonde goes by an electronic store when she notices a TV in the front window. She needed a new TV, it had lots of buttons, looked nice and was selling for $216. So she goes in and asked for the TV in the front window but the salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." So she just stormed out. She really wanted this TV so overnight, she dyed her hair red. She came in and asked for the TV in the front window. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." Came the reply. By this time she was desperate so she goes home and shaves off her hair. She goes in and asks for the TV in the front window but the salesman just goes, "We don't sell to blondes."
"How do you know I'm a blonde. I dyed my hair red, and then I even shaved it off, and you still know I'm a blonde. HOW?" "There are only microwaves in the front window."
Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks. The first blonde says "They're deer tracks." The second blonde says "They're bear tracks." The third blonde says "They're moose tracks." Then a train hits them.
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our
friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry . .we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry...we still have one engine left." A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
A man wanted to get his beautiful nice blonde wife something special for Christmas. So he bought her one of those fancy new digital cell phones. She is all excited, and she loves her phone. He showed her and explained to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde went shopping. Her phone rang and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he said, "how do you like your new phone?" She replied, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand, though."What's that, baby?" asked the husband. "How did you know I was at WalMart?"
Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?"
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky-a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another. Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord? "The voice replied, " No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager"....
Last Summer, down on Lake Isabella, located an hour East of Bakersfield, California, a blonde, (of course), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just could'nt get her brand new 22' Bayliner to perform. No matter how much power she applied, it was very sluggish. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina to ask for some help. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. Eventually one of the marina guys that was helping her out jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.He came up choking on water he was laughing so hard. Remember this is true............ Underneath the boat, still strapped securely in place was..........................THE TRAILER.....
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her indexfinger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency roomdoctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, 'I just paid $6000 for these, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So, then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth. "So, then?".. "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied,
"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on."I finished the exam in a half hour, but I'm rechecking my answers.
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied
"There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"