Raising children is never an easy task, especially when they reach the teenage years. Heartache, worry, and even misery are not infrequent consequences. The Lord seems to have inferred as much when discussing the opportunity for Adam and Eve to have children—but only after the Fall had occurred:
And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin. 2 Nephi 2: 23
Certainly Mom and Dad were not immune to such outcomes. To be sure, over the years, each of us gave them cause for concern and worries—and even a little misery.
In my own case, two of my youthful shortcomings were talking back and sassing Mom, plus being less than punctual in writing letters home and in writing expressions of appreciation to others. Happily, I can report to have improved measurably in both areas. But I greatly regret my smart-mouthing tendency at an earlier age. Still, such is the price of personal progress, I suppose.
Regarding my tardiness in letter writing, however, Mom was quick and persistent in pointing out my derelictions. When I first arrived in the mission field, her reminders to write were regular. Dad even took up the call:
You must be careful to write more often. You should write every Saturday at least a few lines. Mother worries when there is no letter. 109
Thus, when I was tardy in expressing thanks for Christmas remembrances from various friends and relatives, she wrote to say:
I was quite embarrassed….They just think I haven’t trained you very well. 110
And, again, she remonstrated, still concerned that I had been slow to write certain thank you notes, especially to my grandmothers:
I won’t mention this again, Bart, but it’s very humiliating when they ask me if I’ve heard if you received their letters and money. 111
But, interestingly, over time, as I began to alter my careless correspondence ways—and as she became more involved in time-consuming projects—the tone of her letters changed a bit.
I’m not sure who owes who a letter, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and scribble a few lines. 112
I guess I haven’t heard from you for the same reason you haven’t heard from me—too much to do. [It] seems like a lot of things sure happen at once: next Tuesday night is our stake Bee Hive Swarm Night, and when that’s over, I’ll feel like I can breathe easily for a while. 113
Then, towards the end of my mission, after I had expressed concern in one of my letters that pursuing medicine might consume more time than I felt I should devote to an occupation, Mom was straight forward in expressing her opinions for my best good:
About following medicine, Bart, I don’t want to influence you, because it will be your life to live. She then went on to list examples of people she knew who had done both: Dr. Robinson, their former bishop in Arlington Ward; Uncle Burtis, etc. I don’t like to see you give up something that you’ve worked toward all your life, unless you’re very sure you don’t want it. I know that church and your mission [are] your whole life right now, Bart, and that’s as it should be. But after, you’ll have to work it in with earning a living and supporting a family. It can be done very well, too. 114
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about you and your medical career, Bart, and I sure hate to see you throw everything over now. I’m sure you can find time to work in the church too if that’s what you want…. Of course though, you’ll have to make up your own mind, but right now I think you’re a little inclined to be one-sided. 115
I hope you’ve made up your mind to go on, Bart. Being a doctor won’t keep you from working in the church if you want to. She then told about a young MD in the ward doing a residency at the Community Hospital, who was very active. 116
To be sure, Mom was persistent and thoughtful in the recommendations she wanted me to consider. And, obviously, her good counsel helped me make up my mind.
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Drew’s attitude and actions undoubtedly caused Mom and Dad significant concern just after I left for Germany on my mission. Because, coupled with tensions associated with Dad’s building the new business, Drew was getting ready to start his last year in high school—and was seemingly content with a mere dishwashing job. He appeared to lack any direction and ambition. Mom wrote the following, on 10 June 1954:
I told him he had to make his licks count next year in order to get into college, and he said, ‘Who wants to go to college?’ I don’t know what he has on his mind, and I just remembered he hasn’t registered yet and was 18 years old last April. Maybe you could write to him and keep him straight on a few things. He’s like your Dad—never confides. I just have to guess at what goes on in their minds, and I don’t like it. 117
Three months later, Dad wrote to express similar thoughts. He noted that Drew seemed to be just wasting time, driving around in the MG and not studying. Moreover:
It’s too bad young people can’t seem to realize that the time is soon gone and then for a whole lifetime they have to get along with inferior training, when with just a little effort they could have equipped themselves so as to make life much easier. I guess all you can do is point the way and open the doors. The rest is up to them. 118
As the new school year progressed, however, Drew began to solidify his thoughts and decided to attend the Utah State Agricultural College (USAC) with a friend in the ward, if he could qualify. He had also considered joining the Marine Corps, as well. But, unfortunately, during the ensuing summer break, in company with his girl friend, he was in an automobile accident with the MG, and subsequently left for the Lake Tahoe area with the hope of a “sure job” and the chance to earn needed money. Regarding Drew’s status at the time, Dad wrote:
[As to a mission], I am anxious that Drew have the experience as soon as possible. He is growing into a fine young man, and I’m sure he would make a fine missionary. It would be good if he could have two years of college and then go. At present he is up in Tahoe…. Unfortunately, the job fell through. Instead, he was working on the railroad in Nevada. He sold the MG to pay his debts. He planned to study forestry at college. 119
As to Drew’s attitude at the time, Mom included parts of a letter that he had sent them from his work station. She was encouraged:
Don’t worry about me. I’m having the time of my life, and [it] makes you feel you can do something for yourself. 120
With the onset of the new school year in 1955, Drew was able to enter USAC, on probation. And, as the year began and unfolded, Mom kept me posted on his progress:
I surely hope Drew enjoys school, and finds the things he’s been interested in. He needs to find something. He and Ellen sort of broke up. I can’t say I blame her; he never even sent her a post card while he was gone. But then they were too serious….They need to go out with others…I’d like to see them both have some fun before they get serious. Things can sure change after you’re married. 121
But alas, Drew struggled in classes, due to inadequate preparation in high school. I’ll bet that when he gets through with college chemistry and algebra etc., he’ll wish he’d ‘cluttered his brain’ as he called it with them in high school like I wanted him to. I guess its human nature, but it sure seems sad and a waste of time to me that kids won’t take advice. All parents want to do is save their children heartache and hardship, but kids still think parents are ‘moss backs’ and trying to live their lives for them. 122
Be that as it may, however, during his first quarter at the USAC, he studied hard and tried the best he knew how. Mom wrote: I thought you’d like to read Drew’s letter so I sent it along. He’s sure a loveable little character. She then forwarded me the initial letter he had written home to them 123:
Drew described his trip up to Logan, his apartment, and his classes—including military science. It’s surprising how your study habits change when you’re studying subjects that are towards your life’s career. I’ve all of a sudden got a mania to be educated. He talked about studying algebra, and reading English, plus being able to go out and tag elk. Studying hard, he also spoke about being thrown out of the chemistry lab, because they wanted to close up for the evening!
Nonetheless, despite his conscientious efforts to succeed scholastically, Drew was overwhelmed by the college experience. He did very well in his R.O.T.C. course, even being selected as the master sergeant for the group. But other subjects were proving to be too much of a challenge. Thus, when he came home for Christmas break, Mom wrote:
I sure don’t understand Drew at times. He and Ellen broke up before he went away…, and I think he sort of missed her. He never has much to say however, and you just have to guess at what’s eating him…. 124
At last, he decided to drop out of school and to pursue other options. In April 1956, Mom wrote the following:
I haven’t heard from Drew in over two weeks. [According to Rod Pulley], Drew said he was going to join the army this summer. I think he failed in some of his subjects, and has had a hard time getting back in school this quarter. 125
A month later, she forwarded me Drew’s letter to them about what had happened. In it, he stated that his advisors at the USAC had advised him to drop out of college, join the army MPs, and go into law enforcement—what his aptitude supported, evidently. He now had a girl friend from Roosevelt, was going to Institute (to get a little closer to the church), and would be home soon.126
I suspect that Drew never fully recovered from his setback at USAC. He had tried his best, but had not succeeded. Although, a very gifted individual in many respects, school had never been easy for him; indeed, it might well be that he suffered from a form of incompletely diagnosed, learning disability. Moreover, there were high expectations promoted in the family, and this must have been an added burden for him to bear, as well.
At any rate, in June 1956, Mom wrote to say that Drew was home from school and working for a nursery. He was not ambitious, which bothered her, as she felt that he had more capabilities. He was thinking of possible marriage to the girl from Roosevelt, Utah, whom he had met at the USAC. 127
A month later, she observed that Drew was still working at the wholesale nursery, including all day Sunday, missing his meetings, which he needs. He remained interested in the Army and in law enforcement. 128
Drew eventually did join the Army Military Police Force. In fact, the two of us concurrently took our basic military training together at Fort Ord, California, in January 1957. Thereafter, he subsequently served a three year tour of duty in South Korea.
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At this point, now that he has passed on (he died 31 October 2000, in Salt Lake City, Utah)129, I’d like to record an additional impression or two about my brother, Andrew.
In his youth, basically a sweet, sensitive, loving boy with an engaging sense of humor and innate sense of musical rhythm (he taught himself to play the guitar, he loved western music, and Mom always held that he should have been born a century earlier), it appears to me that particular circumstances led to major changes in his approach to life.
That is to say, as Drew got older and began experiencing difficulties in school and in unmet familial and social expectations, it seems to me that he began to compensate by taking on an outwardly tough, macho-guy, “I don’t care attitude” persona. He regularly lifted weights, read body building magazines, and became interested in the martial arts. And he actively embraced the supposed signs of toughness, cigarettes and alcohol. Thus, he sought to create an aura of being in control, when in reality he was just trying to find where he could best fit in and realize success and satisfaction, both personal and social.
Nonetheless, deep down, when the veneer dissolved during deep dialogue, he was still the same sweet, sensitive person, who loved the Lord and wanted to do the right thing. He also dearly loved animals, the great out of doors, and God’s creations. He simply, as yet, had not realized the full measure of success and joy he longed to have.
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Suzanne and Diane, on the other hand, had no real problems with schoolwork, were always socially engaged, and were consistently chosen as leaders amongst their peers. They were also very hard-working and ambitious. Indeed, in September 1954, Dad noted in a letter:
Sue and Di are doing well as usual... They are very industrious…. 130
Then, two weeks later, Mom happily reported how they had both won posts in their school elections and were preparing to have a victory dinner with their friends at the home. 131
Later, in January 1955, she reported on how the twins were handling their school responsibilities, and enjoying school—as well as giving talks in church. Said she:
Our church certainly offers some valuable training for the young folks. 132
By the summer of 1955, at age fourteen, however, the girls were starting to really mature, they had both had teeth braces placed and removed—plus they were finding boys to be very attractive, as well.
In August, after reporting on Drew’s decision to study at USAC, Dad noted that the twins were growing into very lovely and capable young ladies: they made their own clothes, mowed the lawn at home, and helped paint and decorate their bedroom. 133
However, one month later, Mom noticed another side, too. At home, on the frontline with her maturing, adolescent daughters, she observed:
All they think about is clothes and boys…. I’ll be glad when they get out of this phase. Sometimes I think I’m going daffy. 134
The twins are sure getting difficult lately. I don’t think they have a thing on their minds but boys and clothes. I guess they aren’t so different—every mother I’ve talked to is moaning about the same thing. I hope I can keep my sanity for the next three years, and then maybe I’ll be alright—or just won’t care. 135
In subsequent letters, she reported on how the girls remained boy crazy, were irritated when she said anything about it, had hosted a slumber party, and were going to assist Dad and her in painting the house later on that November. 136
Then, as the New Year began, in January 1956, Mom reported on the twins’ first dates, a double date with two Catholic boys. Moreover, she lamented how many of the teenagers in the ward were dating non-members:
The twins are double-dating tonight. They had their first date with these kids New Year’s Eve, and they’ve practically rushed them off their feet…. Your little sisters are getting to be quite grown up young ladies, Bart… They are both at least one inch taller than I am. 137
With the thought in mind to help the girls learn a bit more about temple marriage, the family drove down to Los Angeles in February, to tour through the temple before its dedication (Mom and Dad subsequently attended one of the dedicatory services, on Sunday, 11 March 1956). They were all impressed with the visit. Mom reported:
She, Dad, and the girls went through the LA Temple (before its dedication); over 500,000 people had already toured. It was a beautiful building; one whole day had been devoted for Jews to tour; she was surprised at the number of Negro people present. She was happy that the twins could go, since so many kids had been marrying Catholics recently…It’s a magnificent building on the outside, and they have used wonderful taste on decorating the interior.... The kids in the ward were dating non-members. Growing up seems to be a very painful process. I sure hope and pray we all get through it okay…. 138
Over the next six months, I received a number of letters from Mom as well as the twins reporting on their activities: during the school year, both of the girls had gone steady, they had both made the cheerleading squad, and they loved high school; during the summer, there had been lots of parties and outings, plus, as already mentioned,they had worked for Dad in his office.
Then, a month prior to my release, after I had innocently suggested that there were some nice toys that I could buy for them in Germany, the true level of the feminine maturation of my sisters was made known to me. Concerning my ill-advised suggestion, Mom clearly explained, in no uncertain terms:
The twins sure hit the ceiling when you mentioned that there were some nice toys to buy…. Di said the only toy she wanted was a boy on a string! 139
To be sure, I no longer had two little sisters...
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