There certainly seemed to be definite feelings of unfulfilled potential in Mom’s life. Although she functioned delightfully well in small gatherings, as already suggested she was painfully shy in larger forums, i.e., participating in front of a university class, talking, or bearing her testimony. As case in point, she reminisced in a letter, in 1956:
She spoke about attending stake conference with S. Dillworth Young (who had been in school with her siblings, Ed and Evelyn). Mom was in the choir. Several elders’ presidents were called on extemporaneously to bear their testimonies. I sure know what a frightened male looks like. Some of them were three shades paler. But they all did very well and I was proud of them. I know how they felt to a degree, when they called on me at our last ward conference as a mother of a full-time missionary. I was almost sorry you were on a mission. But I guess no one ever really died from such a fright and I realize that we grow through such experiences…. 101
I’ve already mentioned how she shunned swimming following the unfortunate incident in the swimming pool at the University of Utah as a college student. In fact, it wasn’t until a quarter century later, after the pool was built in the back yard of the San Mateo home, that she again began to get back in the water—and this was mainly only while holding onto the side and kicking her feet. Along this line, she wrote in July 1956 that she was taking a Red Cross swimming class at the high school with some other women from the ward and then practicing regularly with them in the pool at home:
I’m not afraid to take my feet off the bottom, now, so maybe in a few years I’ll learn. If I could only coordinate both ends at once and remember to breathe! Ah me, the older you get, the harder it gets. 102
As a matter of fact, besides swimming in the pool, nearly every morning she also liked to do stretching exercising in the front room. But, besides target shooting, both rifle and bow and arrow, she otherwise wasn’t much for participatory sports, as I recall.
Likewise, when I turned sixteen and was eligible to earn a motor vehicle drivers license, Mom qualified for hers, as well. She had hesitated to apply prior to this time. Now, having the license plus increased mobility was a real boost to her self confidence.
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Consequently, associated with Mom’s feelings of unfulfilled potential in several areas, there came the desire to help her children avoid similar situations. Thus, having learned that I was playing the piano in various meetings on my mission, she wrote:
I’m sure glad that you’re getting to use your music a little. I guess I wasn’t such a horrible tyrant when I made you practice, was I? I’ve cancelled the twins’ lessons this year. The time was reserved for them, but they put up such a fuss that I just can’t put up with it any more. So they’ll just have to thank themselves if they can’t do anything when they grow up. I know they’ll regret it. I have. 103
And, again:
[I’m] sure glad that you’re doing as much with your piano as you are, Bart. I told you it would come in handy some day. The twins are going to regret the fact that they’ve given it up, too. 104
However, with motherly determination to spare her children the avoidable pitfalls that she had experienced in her own life, there came an eagerness to warn and convince us, which at times, unfortunately, was perceived as irritating—even as overbearing. But, this was her way of approaching things. I suspect, too, after conversation with several of my Howells cousins, that perhaps this was the way she had been brought up. Her four brothers regularly engaged in noisy and heated arguments on a variety of topics. 105
As a result, I suppose that one could say, as a general rule, Mom didn’t always communicate using delicate discretion, either. To be sure, she enjoyed great gifts of repartee and humor, but her conversations could sometimes be laced with sharpness.
The following excerpt from one of her letters might serve as another case in point (in retrospect, I’m sure that this particular question was not intended to be harsh or offensive, but was just written down quickly, perhaps without much forethought):
Why don’t you ever tell a few things that we’re interested in? I don’t mean we’re not interested in what you do write. But I’d sure like to know something of your living conditions. I guess I couldn’t do much to alter them, but I’d still like to know how you manage…. 106
On the other hand, she could be tender, positive and up building. Two examples from her letters received on my mission now follow:
I sure hope you had a happy birthday, Bart. I’m certainly thankful for a son as fine as you are, Bart, and want you to know how very proud we are of you and hope you’ll continue to bring us as much joy and happiness in the future as you have in the past. 107
And, after speaking with a member in the ward whose son had been in Germany all summer and had attended one of the mission conferences, she wrote:
He said how much he enjoyed the conference, but he also said how highly they praised you at the conference for the good work you had done. He said he was surely proud he knew the family. You’ve always been one of Paul and Dorothy’s favorite people. Janie [Jayne W. Robbins] and her mother also told me, when we were in Salt Lake City, that President Dyer had told them you were the best missionary they had. I’m not saying this to flatter you, Bart, but just to let you know how thankful we are and proud of you that you have done your best. 108
Thus, how grateful I am for Mom’s motherly care and concern, honed through her own experiences and tendered to us, her offspring, in love and hopeful anticipation.
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