FOR THOSE WHO JUST CANT GET ENOUGH FUN AND HUMOR OUT OF LIFE (Or for those who need an added lift), here are a few of my favorite jokes and illustrations which Ive received through e-mails and other sources. I hope you enjoy these.
On Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
On Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that yes, he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother
who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite >it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries >delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
One Too Many
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want to buy a round for every in the bar, and serve one up for yourself bartender." After the bartender serves all the drinks and has one himself he says, "that will be $612.00". The man replies, "sorry, I don't have any money". So the bartender takes him out back and beats him up. The next night the same guy comes in and says, "I want to buy a drink for the whole bar, and serve one up for yourself bartender". Well, the bartender is thinking there is no way this guy is dumb enough to do it two nights in a row so he serves up the drinks and has one himself. He then says, "that will be $708.00" to which the man replies, "sorry, I have no money". Well the furious bartender takes the guy out back and really beats the guy up bad. The third night the man comes back to the bar and the bartender is thinking that there is no way he is dumb enough to pull the same thing three nights in a row. The man says to the bartender, "bartender I want to buy a round for the whole bar". Curious, the bartender asks, "aren't you going to buy me a drink?", and the man replies "no, you get mean when you drink!"
A tourist visiting Baltimore walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a fireman walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a fire monkey, please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to the fireman saying, "That'll be $1,000." The fireman paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can fight fire expertly with the Booster line, with the inch and a half line, and the two and a half inch line, and is certified on all pumping apparatus and aerial ladder trucks.--- well worth the money! The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive!
$10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a certified instructor monkey; it can instruct other monkeys in basic fire fighting skills, fire prevention training, physical training, haz mat unit tactics and fire investigative techniques, and even type. All the really useful stuff, "said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a large cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $70,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a "Fire Chief".
SERMONS HAVE MEANING --- Hymn #365
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."
SMILE, life is too short not to!!
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in
her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs."
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the Greatest Gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't first-rate yet, thinking there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got any more tips for me?"
Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here! Got anymore tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much."
THE POPE AND THE PRESIDENT
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht, the Sequoia. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the New York Times carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline is "Bush Can't Swim."
Old Age Versus Youth
An old retired fireman in Indiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old fireman decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
FROM A RETIREE AND BUSH SUPPORTER:
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said," Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available".
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... And just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says......................
"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
A man owned a small farm in West Texas. The Wage and Hour Department of Texas claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. "
"Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. I pay him $10 a week and buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.The farmer says, "That would be me."
They Said THIS In the Church Bulletin?
Heavens to Betsy! When you're spreading God's word, it's important to pay attention to commas and spelling and proper phrasing. If you don't, you may end up saying something other than what you really intended.
And sometimes the result can be scandalous--or just funny as all get out.
The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide. Who needs professional comedians when everyday folks are just as humorous? (Note: You have to read this carefully to catch the funniest mistakes.)
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Suffer the little children
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
The Power of Prayer
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
After the worship service...
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national Prayer and Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ladies' Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Which Door Do I Use?
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Members of the Congregation
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered/
Watch Out for Those Potlucks
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5 p.m. Prayer and medication to follow.
HOW Much Money Should I Give?
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Who says church is boring?
A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.
Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home? the officer
No, sir, but we don't land airplanes on the roof either.
Senior Moment -------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and,
after eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out
to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion:
"Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to
someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress
for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a
cup of hot tea, my treat.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Hillbilly on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Hillbilly said to give Jesus a cold glass of coke, on my bill.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Hillbilly. The Hillbilly jumped up and yelled, don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!
Subject: Work vs. Jail...........
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bitmore clear...
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.!
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
So... why is it again that we work??
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went
to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his
self-esteem, and so gave
him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous
dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," said his wife.
don't believe in Miracles. I rely on them. Life may not be the party we hoped
for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
Where you going?
I've said that if I could, I would enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But, I'm 44 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the United States military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Us old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky military member is a dangerous military member. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-16 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor's newspaper and pee).
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Basic training would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. The military could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track own those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our country on September 11. The last thing they'd want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Subject: Fw: High Tech Hillbilly
Subject: Fw: High Tech Hillbilly
Subject: Oil Crisis
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have anoil shortage here in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer ... nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.
All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Alaska, Wyoming, etc. All the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.
HOW TO BATHE A CAT
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: "Maam, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise" The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.
When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed out the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled "Dang it, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT!"
Praise the Lord
There was a little old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky and shout, "Praise the Lord!"
Well, one day an atheist moved into the house next door.Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"
Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"
The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"
I mentioned to the Doctor that I was pretty out of shape.
"Round is a shape," he said.
"I love you, Doc," I said.
WORDS OF WISDOM FOR FIRE FIGHTERS:
The only safe assumption is to assume the worst.
One should not stand too close to the guys who are always bandaged up.
In most cases, extinguishing the fire solves the majority of the problems.
Effective analysis must always be mixed with water in order to put out the fire.
You should never develop a plan that is so smart that you can't explain it to the people who have to carry it out.
The fire department is not usually called because someone did something smart.
The Incident Commander should be the first person who thinks a fire is burning and the last person to believe that it is out.
Safety zones and escape routes work best when everyone knows where they are.
If the fire isn't going out, you're not putting enough water on it.
You should avoid situations that are so exciting that you don't survive.
Instructions are most effective when they are understood.
The very worst plan is no plan; the next worst plan is two plans.
If you have a lot of ideas, you need a lot of equipment.
Very little on the fire ground falls up.
Safety prevents meetings.
You can fool the spectators, but you can't fool the players.
Retreats are far superior to funerals.
If you aren't dressed to play, stay in the bleachers.
Don't assume that you're communicating just because you're talking.
The longer you take to make a decision, the fewer options you will have.
When the wind picks up, something will happen.
Never challenge a fire to a foot race.
Never trust a smiling dog.
When they say "Somebody do something!", you're the somebody they're talking about.
Never eat more than your mask will hold
You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes - I did.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
...Feeling smarter yet?
Sid & Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?"
I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied & went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes & said, "no, sir. No, Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied & went back to the kitchen.
While he was gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere,"
When the waiter returned he said, "sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews & grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews.
The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter and Cooter are being sent in with the following info about the Taliban:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. They don't like barbeque.
6. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
Should be over in just about a week.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was:
Get the quarter back!
Get the quarter back.
Diets and Dying
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The Real Meaning of Service...
one time in my life, I thought I had handle on the meaning of the word
"service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the
terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service
I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought
"service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one
of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us...
Carolina hillbilly, Herman James, joined the Navy, and on the first day in Basic
Training, he was given a comb. The following day, the Navy barber sheared
off all of his hair. On the third day, the Navy gave him a toothbrush.
The next day, the Navy dentist yanked out several of his teeth. On the
fifth day, he was given a jockstrap. That afternoon, Herman
disappeared.....and the Navy is still looking for him.
A Year to Live....
fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor.
"Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."
Economics Clearly Explained...............
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for, then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows and drink Vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop Counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. Who cares as long as the Vodka doesn't run out.
TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
Questions from George Carlin...
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline Psychic Wins Lottery?
5. Why is abbreviated such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do practice?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on Start?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
18. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
19. If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times does he become disoriented?
20. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
21. What do people in China call their good plates?
22. What do you call a male ladybug?
23. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
24. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
25. Why do they call it a pair of pants, but only 1 bra?
26. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
27. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
28. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
29. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
30. Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
31. Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
32. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
33. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
34. If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
35. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
36. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
37. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
38. If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
39. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
40. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
41. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
42. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
43. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
44. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
45. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, [email protected]
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended
up going to [email protected], a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies, "Yes."
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her, "Why do you have a ski jacket over a fur coat?"
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guaranteed."
The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."
The bus driver looks at St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?"
St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent."
A lion in the jungle wished to reaffirm his standing with the other animals in his so called "Kingdom." So he started off on a stroll through the jungle. Soon he met a bear. He approached the bear and looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Who his King of all the beasts in the jungle?" The bear answered, "Why you are, all animals know the lion is King of the beasts." And the lion ROARED his approval and proceeded on.
Soon he approached a tiger. And he looked the tiger in the eyes and ask, "Who is King of all the beasts in the jungle? The tiger replied, "There is no doubt about it you are the King." And the lion again ROARED his approval and proceeded on into the jungle.
Shortly after this the lion met an elephant. And he looked the elephant in the eyes and ask, "Who is King of all the beasts in the jungle?" The elephant looked at the lion then put his trunk around him. Picked the lion up in the air and pounded him on the ground a couple of times. Then threw him into a tree. Picked him out of the tree and took him over to near by pond and dunked him up and down in the water until the lion could hardly breathe. Then the elephant threw the lion on the shore. The poor lion was sopping wet and got up on wobbly legs and staggered over to the elephant and looked at him through bloody eyes and said, "Just because
you didn't know the right answer, is no reason to get so mean about it."
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, warden. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
An aged minister in Georgia was telling how he and his wife had gotten along through 48 years of marriage. He claimed that they had never really had a "fuss."
"Of course," the old fellow added, "sometimes you could hear her explaining things to me a block away."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Last updated January 1, 2007.
Back to Glenn Gohr's Home Page