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A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there" The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

"When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do-you forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes." "And to let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke from me." "So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have thought of you today and wanted to send you a smile

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR NAMES: (Plus a few extra)

(1) Thou shalt name your male children: James, John, Joseph, Josiah, Abel, Richard, Thomas, William.

(2) Thou shalt name your female children: Elizabeth, Mary, Martha, Maria, Sarah, Ida, Virginia, May.

(3) Thou shalt leave NO trace of your female children.

(4) Thou shalt, after naming your children from the above lists, call them by strange nicknames such as: Ike, Eli, Polly, Dolly, Sukey.---making them difficult to trace.

(5) Thou shalt NOT use any middle names on any legal documents or census reports, and only where necessary, you may use only initials on legal documents.

(6)Thou shalt learn to sign all documents illegibly so that your surname can be spelled, or misspelled, in various ways: Hicks, Hieks, Hix, Hixe, Hucks, Kicks.

(7) Thou shalt, after no more then 3 generations, make sure that all family records are lost, misplaced, burned in a court house fire, or buried so that NO future trace of them can be found.

(8) Thou shalt propagate misleading legends, rumors, & vague innuendo regarding your place origination

(A) You may have come from : England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales....or Iran.
(B) You may have American Indian ancestry of the______tribe......
(C) You may have descended from one of three brothers that came over from______

(9) Thou shalt leave NO cemetery records, or headstones with legible names.

(10) Thou shalt leave NO family Bible with records of birth, marriages, or deaths.

(11) Thou shalt ALWAYS flip thy name around. If born James Albert, thou must make all the rest of thy records in the name of Albert, AJ, JA,AL, Bert, Bart, or Alfred.

(12) Thou must also flip thy parent's names when making reference to them, although "Unknown" or a blank line is an acceptable alternative.

And Finally:

Thou shalt name at least 5 generations of males, and dozens of their cousins with identical names in order to totally confuse researchers.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN ADDICTED GENEALOGIST

• when you brake for libraries.
• if you get locked in a library overnight and you never even notice.
• when you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery.
• if you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall.
• when you think every home should have a microfilm reader.
• if you'd rather read census schedules than a good book.
• when you know every town clerk in your state by name.
• if town clerks lock the doors when they see you coming.
• when you're more interested in what happened in 1697 than 1997.
• if you store your clothes under the bed and your closet is carefully sttacked with notebooks and journals.
• if you can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst, and Kent on a map of England, but can't locate Topeka, Kansas.
• when all your correspondence begins, "Dear Cousin,"
• if you've traced every one of your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it all fully documented, and still don't want to quit.

Interesting details discovered during the process of indexing the British 1881 Census. (Found in the Ensign magazine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, March 1996, p. 58.)

• The wife, mother, and daughter of James Christmas were all named Mary Christmas

• Frank Guest was listed as a visitor

• Harriet Goodhand was listed as a domestic servant

• The families of William Lovegrove, Henry Dearlove, and William Darling all lived on the same block in Oxfordshire

• A woman named Rose married Robert Garden

• Emma Boatwright married a seaman

• Mr. Thorn lived in Rose Cottage

• Robert Speed, a bus driver and post runner

• Robert Robb, a detective officer

• Phoebe Brain, a scholar

• One woman's birthplace was listed as "in stage coach between Nottingham and Derby"

• John Pounder, a blacksmith

• William Scales, a piano maker

• Herman Hamberger, born in Greece

• Curious occupations: dirt refiner, hoveller, moleskin saver, piano puncher, sparable cutter, spittle maker, tingle maker, and whim driver

• Twin four-year-olds named Peter the Great and William the Conqueror

• Brothers named Seaman and Landsman

• The occupation of three daughters was entered as "They toil not, neither do they spin"

An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes.

So he wrote to his son about his predicament. The son sent the reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried the guns!!!!!

At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now?

The son sent the reply: "NOW plant the potatoes!"

An old-timer is someone who can remember when going to the ETERNAL REST didn't mean landing a job with the government!

An old-timer is someone who remembers when children didn't ask what a cow was; they were told to get up at dawn and go milk one.

You're and old-timer if you can remember when ROCK was something you did in a chair.

An old-timer is someone who remembers when buying on time meant getting to the store before it closed!

An old-timer is someone who can remember every detail of his life story, but cannot remember how many times he's told it to the same person.

An old-timer is someone who can remember when a naughty child was taken to the woodshed instead of the psychiatrist!

One of the chief pleasure of middle age is looking back at the people you didn't marry!

Middle age is when you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.

Middle age is actually the prime of life - it just takes a little longer to get primed.

Your middle-aged when your idea of unwinding on a Friday Night is to go to bed and read!.....(wow....scarey stuff......I just started doing that!

Youth looks ahead........ old age looks back.........and middle age looks tired!

Submitted by: Janet Flemming

• 52 Years an Imbecile
• Artificial Scone Maker
• Assisting at Mangle
• Beef Twister
• Bottie Washer
• Bounder
• Boy for General Purposes
• Can Make Nothing of the Paper
• Carrot and Mangle Salesman
• Cleans Onions
• Clod Hopper (Ft)
• Colourist of Artificial Fish
• Count as Female
• Cow Banger (Ag Lab)
• Curer of Smokey Chimneys
• Custard Maker (Carpet)
• Dead
• Decayed Publisher (No Occ)
• Describes Himself as Leaving No Trace
• Disinfector of Railway (Oths)
• Dog Performer
• Driving Channel Tunnel
• Drowner
• Egg Breaker
• Egg Cracker
• Electric Bath Attendant
• Emasculator
• Employed with Head Off
• Examiner of Underclothing
• Fatuous Pauper
• Feeder in Bump Factory
• Feeding Boy to Printing Machine
• Ferret Weaver
• Fish Bender
• Floater
• Follows Wifely Occupations
• Formerly Fat
• Gold Fish Catcher
• Grape Dryer
• Gymnast to House Painter
• Hand in Hartleys Jam
• Head of Female
• He Play All Day Long
• Invalid Kings Evil
• Invisible Net Maker
• Keeps Own House at Home
• Knight of the Thimble
• Knocker Up of Workpeople
• Maker of Sand Views
• Negro Comedian White Eyed Musical Kaffir
• Pensioner in Charge of the Magnet
• Prime Minister (No Occ)
• Proprietor of Midgets
• Proprietor of Solution For Protection of Turnip From Fly
• Random Waller
• Ripper Coalmine (Blows Roof Down)
• Rotters Boy
• Running About
• Runs Abt Selling Fish (Hawker)
• Rust Attendant at a Lavatory
• Sampler of Drugs
• Scarecrow
• Seperated from Head
• Sick Maker
• Slob Brickmaker
• Supposed to be a Lady
• Teacher of Wax Flowers
• Tender of Charge of Cubes
• Tool Maker (Screws) Wife
• Travels With an Entire Horse
• Turnip Shepherd
• Unsettled Through Recent Death
• Very Feeble
• Watchmaker Master (No Hands)

Ridiculous Rhetoric straight from the politicians' mouths. God knows politicians can come out with some stupendous guff.

Here's some of the stupidest uttered over the years:

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
Ernest Bevin, Foreign Minister, 1945-1951

"A cow may be drained dry; and if the chancellors of the exchequer persist in meeting every deficiency that occurs by taxing the brewing and distilling industries, they will inevitably kill the cow that lays the golden milk."
Sir Frederick Milner, MP, circa 1900

"When an Englishman wants to get married, to whom does he go? To the clergy. When he wants to get his child baptized, to whom does he go? To the clergy. When he wants to get buried, to whom does he go?"
William E. Gladstone, 19th Century Prime Minister, in a speech extolling the clergy.

"The single, overwhelming two facts were..."
Paddy Ashdown

"The Right Honourable Gentleman has gone to the top of the tree and caught a very big fish."
Sir W Hart Dyke, MP

"Sustainable growth is growth that is sustainable."
John Major

"They pushed their nomination down my throat behind my back."
J Ramsay MacDonald, then MP, later the first Labour Prime Minister in the 1920s and 30s, modestly denying any role in the honour he was about to receive.

"When shall the lion of autocracy walk hand in hand with the floodgates of democracy?"
James Sexton, MP, in a speech

"Why can't the Jews and the Arabs just sit down together and settle this like good Christians?"
Attributed to Arthur Balfour, Prime Minister and Foreign Secretary

"Atomic energy might be as good as our present-day explosives, but it is unlikely to produce anything much more dangerous."
Winston Churchill, in 1939

"If you put the honourable member on an uninhabited island they would not be there twenty-four hours before they had their hands in the pockets of the naked savages."
Unnamed politician, overheard during a debate

"I smell a rat, I see him floating in the air, but mark me, I shall nip him in the bud."
Sir Boyle Roche, 18th century MP

"The time has come to strip to the waist and tuck up our shirt sleeves."
Overheard during political debate

"We appeal down to the fundamental principles which underlie the tossing waves on the surface."
Former Archbishop of Canterbury, in speech in House of Lords.

"Mr Speaker, if I had said that I would not have been allowed to."
Anonymous speaker during parliamentary debate

"I am not going to trouble the House further than to express my unutterable disgust at the way in which I have been treated."
John O'Conner MP in House of Commons, 1907

"Ladies and gentlemen, if this coercion measure is passed, no man in Ireland will be able to speak upon politics unless he is born deaf and dumb."
Lord Charles Russell, Liberal MP, in an 1880 speech

"The only way to stop this suicide wave is to make it a capital offence, punishable by death."
Irish legislator in Parliament

"The time is here, and rapidly approaching."
William Field, MP

"Mr Asquith was like a drunken man walking along a straight line, the further he went the sooner he fell."
Sir Edward Carson, famous Irish politician, and cross-examiner of Oscar Wilde

"I will draw my sword from the hilt, and will not cease firing until I have proved every statement true."
Speaker at a Walthamstow town council meeting

"I move, Mr Chairman, that all fire extinguishers be examined ten days before every fire."
City councillor during a debate

Submitted by: "Deb"