SINCE retiring from the Navy and settling down on the "Beach" I have been fortunate in having as a neighbour a naval pensioner, late chief shipwright, R.N., and now owning as snug a little public-house in the country as you could wish. It is situated on a fairly busy road, has a nice little garden behind it, a pigsty, chicken-run, small tool-shed, pony and cart, flagstaff, where, incidentally, the White Ensign is flown on week-days and the Royal Standard on Sundays; in fact, everything and anything that one can imagine to make the heart of an old sailor rejoice.

Mr. Barton is a large man with a magnificent chest and shoulders. Like most naval pensioners, he has shaved his beard, leaving a bristling moustache of the "Old Bill" variety. He is usually apparelled in white duck trousers - remains of his Navy kit - tucked into trench boots - war surplus - and surmounted by a "flannel" - naval kit again. Peeping out above the duck trousers is the inevitable cholera-belt, the removal of which would, of course, mean instant death even on the hottest day. Mr.

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Barton's face is florid, the colour of a ripe apple, and, being short-sighted, he wears glasses.

Our acquaintance has, so far, been comparatively brief, a matter of three years or so, but that period has sealed our friendship and produced many anecdotes and accounts of his experiences, some of which I reproduce here.

These adventures of Mr. Barton are told by him with simplicity and without emotion, as if they were the most ordinary everyday occurrences, and when I am moved to laughter, as I so often am, Mr. Barton looks at me in a surprised way and waits for me to finish before he proceeds with his story. But when he is making some particular point or statement the truth of which he thinks I might doubt, he puts his face very close into mine and says, "You can believe me or not, as you please," and then he draws his head back, still looking at me, and awaits my observation.

Naturally I always believe his statements.

Only a very brief acquaintance with Mr. Barton is necessary before one realises that, in whatever ship he has served, he has been the central personality round which it has, in a manner of speaking, revolved. Many times Mr. Barton's advice and judgment have

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been sought after and accepted by the admiral downwards; many times has his prompt action saved the ship from destruction; many times has he been informed by the admiral - downwards - that he is worth his weight in gold.

Mr. Barton is never at a loss to tell a story of his experiences, and I only wish I could remember more of them. They were all original and most entertaining, and there appeared to be no doubt that, through the repeated telling of them, he fully believed they were all true !

I have selected a few which I think are typical without being too technical, and so more easily understood by the general reader. But I approach my task with some diffidence and trepidation. Without his accent Mr. Barton's yarns would fall rather flat. And how can an accent be put into print effectively ?

Therefore please imagine that Mr. Barton is relating his experiences in a strong cockney accent.

"Yes, sir, on the whole I've 'ad justice in the Navy, more than justice, if you can understand what I mean ; but there 'ave been exceptions.

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"My motto 'as always been `Steer clear of commanders.' Any sailor will tell you the same thing. You never gets no justice from commanders - beggin' your pardon, of course, sir, but I 'm referring to big ships. You being a destroyer orficer will understand."

" Quite so, Mr. Barton . . . quite so."

" I always worked it out this way and acted accordin' : if you're up before the commander for a crime, it 's better to say nothink and get put in the Captain's Report. Of course, as you knows very well, sir, the commander can only punish up to a certain limit - and not a small limit neether, by no means - and if 'e considers the crime too serious for 'is limit, 'e puts you in the Captain's Report.

"Well, I always tried to get into the Captain's Report, in such an event, and mostly found myself getting off light.

"Captains is, generally speaking, benevolent bein's and listens to what you says ; but it 's worse than useless to say anything to a commander.

"'Ere 's a case in point. One Christmas I 'appened to 'ave a job of work in the gunner's storeroom. I was a shipwright then, young and irresponsible, and fond of a bit of a lark. Consequently, when I sees

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some of them detonators what goes off with a loud bang and a lot of smoke if you chucks 'em onto the deck 'ard, I puts a few in my pocket.

"The next day, being Christmas Day, after dinner, when all the orficers was a-sleepin' off their turkey and plum-puddin', I creeps down what was known as the orficers' passage and lets a few of 'em off.

"Of course, in about two minutes I was on the quarter-deck before the commander.

"`What the devil do you mean by making all this blasted noise and stink outside the orficers' cabin ? ' 'e says. `What 'ave you to say for yourself ?'.

"`Nothink, sir,' I says.

"'What?' 'e says.

"`Nothink, sir,' I says.

"`Oh! you ain't got nothink to say, 'aven't you?' 'e says.' Master-at-arms! ' 'e says, `put this man in the Captain's Report,' 'e says, `and per'aps 'e 'Il be able to make 'im open 'is ugly mouth! ' 'e says.

"'Captain's Report! 'says the master-at-arms. `On cap ; about turn ; quick march ! ' and I goes for'ard.

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"Well, the next day I 'm up before the captain. 'What's all this, my man,' 'e says, `about you making a commotion in the orficers' passage in the dinner hour yesterday? ' 'e says . . . . `What 'ave you to say for yourself ? '

"`Youming nature,' I says.

"`What?' 'e says.

"`Youming nature,' I says

"`Youming nature be sugared ! ' 'e says. 'There's youming nature and youming nature, but when it comes to letting off detonators in the orficers' passage,' 'e says, ` it 's too much for me!' 'e says . . . . `Master-at-arms,' 'e says, `this man's leaf is to be stopped for�.. '

"`Beggin' your pardon, sir,' I says, ` it was Christmas Day' " ` Christmas Day! ' 'e says. `What 's that got to do with it ? '

" Then after a pause, murmuring to 'imself. . .

`Christmas Day . . . Christmas Day - so it was. Well, commander,' 'e says, raising 'is voice, 'it 's a custom in the Service to allow a little lattitoode on Christmas Day,' 'e says, ' and I sees no reason to depart from that custom. CAUTION! ' 'e says, `and don't let me see you 'ere again.'

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"`Very good, sir,' I says.

"`Caution,' says the master-at-arms. `On cap ; about turn ; quick march.' And I goes up the 'atchway that leads onto the quarter-deck. When I was about 'arf way up, the commander comes tearing by me all red in the face, with 'is eyes shinin' like coals of fire, and when I gets onto the quarterdeck, there 'e is a'dancing a can-can ! "

" Dancing a can-can, Mr. Barton," I said. "What did he do that for?"

"Rage, sir, rage," said Mr. Barton.

"But it ain't always like that, as I 'ave observed before," Mr. Barton said. "It's the orficers what goes ashore late in the evening and comes aboard early in the mornin' that you've got to steer clear of - you won't get no justice from them.

"I was once in a flagship where the admiral and commander were like that. If you ran foul of them in the early hours of the day you was `for it, for a certainty !

"One day, it 'appened to be in the afternoon, the commander says to me, as pleasant as anythink, 'Barton,' 'e says, 'I've got a job of work for you.'

"`Very good, sir,' I says.

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"`You see that beedin' on the quarter-deck aft there,' 'e says, 'it wants repair,' 'e says. 'You bring your tools along when the 'ands fall in in the morning, an' get on about it,' 'e says.

"'Very good, sir,' I says.

"The next morning I gets aft with me tools, not more than five minutes late, and as I passes the commander 'e shouts : 'You 're late again! If I 'as any more trouble with you, Barton,' 'e says, ` I'll stop your leaf for the rest of your life ! '

"Of course, I knew what was the matter with 'im - e'd been ashore !

"Well, I gets out me tools and gets on with me work, 'ammerin' away, when presently up comes the admiral's sentry.

"`Admiral wants to see you at once!' 'e says.

"`Awlfred,' I says to myself, `accustomed as you are to 'aving your advice sook, from admirals downwards,' I says, `and, moreover, to 'aving it took` - here Mr. Barton looked very hard at me - '(you must admit to yourself, Awlfred, that it 's very unusual for you to be sent for at this time of the mornin'. 'Owever, pull yourself together and stand by for eventualities!' And I goes down to the admiral's cabin.

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"There 'e was a-sittin' on the edge of 'is bunk, 'is 'air all standing on end, 'is eyes bloodshot. Of course, I knew what was the matter with 'im-'e 'd been ashore!

"'Oo are you?' 'e says. `A bloody carpenter?'"

`No, sir,' I says.

"`Well, 'oo are you then?'

"`I 'm a carpenter,' I says.

"`Oh, you 're a carpenter are you?' 'e says. `Well, you can go and tell the commander from me that the next time 'e wants to break up the 'appy 'ome over my 'ead 'e can choose a time when I'm ashore,' 'e says. `And what's more, 'e says, ' 'e can select a carpenter to do the job what's got a civil tongue in 'is 'ead ! '

"'Very good, sir,' I says, and goes on deck.

"Well, sir, I delivers that message word for word to the commander, and you can believe me or not, as you please, 'e stops my leaf for a week for impertinence! Now, sir, where's the justice in that?"

On another occasion Mr. Barton, emerging from a pigsty with extended hand, which I feared he

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would want me to shake, not having seen me for quite a week, said: "D'you see that 'and, sir ? Well, it's been shook by Royalty!"

"Very interesting, Mr. Barton. And how did that come about ? "

"Well, sir, it was like this. When I was a youngster I served in a ship whose captain 'ad royal blood in 'is veins. I needn't say more than that. And this 'ere captain was very fond of entertainin', especially dinner parties, and it was 'is invariable custom to greet 'is guests at the gangway and see 'em over the side when they left. Very 'orspitable 'e was and cortious.

"Well, sir, my duties on such occasions was to put up battens along the sides of the quarter-deck for the buntings * to 'ang their flags on, so as to make the ship look bright and cheerful, as is the custom in the Navy.

"One afternoon the commander sends for me and says: 'Barton,' 'e says, `the captain's got a dinner party to-night, and I want you to put the battens up same as usual after evening quarters.'

"`Very good, sir,' I says, but my face drops a bit, because it was my leaf ashore, and I 'ad a girl

* Navy slang for signalman.

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waiting for me what I was goin' to take for a walk.

"The commander, being an observant man, says

`And what's the matter with you, Barton? You looks a bit glum.'

"`Beggin' your pardon, sir,' I says, `but I've got a gir - I mean a friend what I was goin' to meet to-night, this being my leaf ashore.'

"`Well, I 'm sorry for that,' says the commander, `but I'll tell you what I'll do - after the dinner party is over I'll send you ashore in a boat. Will that meet the case?'

"'Thank you very much, sir,' I says.

"Later on in the evenin' the commander sends for me again.` Barton,' 'e says, 'I don't want to make a special trip for you to-night, so I've thought of a plan. When they're gettin' towards the end of dinner you put your oilskin and sou'wester on so as to look inconspicuous, and stand near the gangway, and when the last of the captain's guests 'ave gone down into the boat you nip down quick and get out of sight for'ard. And be careful you ain't seen,' 'e says, `because you know 'ow partic'ler the captain is about 'is barge.'

"`Very good, sir,' I says. Well, when I reckons

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they 're nearly through dinner I puts on my oilskin and sou'wester, same as directed, and takes up station in the shadows near the top of the gangway.

"Presently up comes the captain and 'is guests, and 'e begins shakin' 'ands with 'em and sayin' good night.

"When 'e 'as shaken the last guest's 'and I steps for'ard preparatory to nippin' down the gangway, and finds 'im a-stretchin' out 'is 'and to me!

"'Awlfred,' I says to myself, `you got to do somethink quick, or you 're for it ! ' So I seizes 'im by the 'and, and before I knows what I 'm a-doin' of I says, "Ow are you ? ' same as I would to you or anybody else, and then I nips down the gangway.

"Well, sir, the next day I 'appens to be doin' a job of work on the captain's skylight, and I couldn't very well 'elp over'earin' 'im a - talkin' to the commander, what 'e 'd just sent for.

"'Commander,' 'e says, 'a funny thing 'appened last night. When I was a-sayin' good night to my guests one of 'em asks 'ow I am! Now seein' as 'ow 'e was a-eatin' of my vittals and a-drinkin' of my wine for a matter of couple of hours or so, I should 'a thought 'e would 'ave 'ad a faint idea as to the state of my 'ealth. So I sends for my wine steward

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and I says : "Steward," I says, "in future a little more moderation with that there No. 1 brandy of mine when you 're a-filling up the glasses of my guests." '

"And then 'e orders the skylight to be shut, so I didn't 'ear any more.

"But that 's 'ow I came to shake 'ands with the - with Royalty."

Once Mr. Barton said to me : "Opportunities occur to everyone, but there's few of 'em what recognises 'em when they come ; they just passes by untouched. But you can't blame 'em . . . the art of making use of opportunities, first 'avin' recognised 'em as opportunities, is, in my 'umble opinion, 'anded down from father to son. My father 'ad it, and I reckon I got it from 'im, for I ain't lost many opportunities in my life, else I should never 'ave come by this little public-'ouse.

"As, for instance : I was a diver once, and 'appened to be requalifying in the old Victory. I also 'appened to be the only experienced diver in the class, all the others being makee-learns.

"Well, sir, as you know, when air is pumped into

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a diver's suit it naturally tries to rise, so that the top of the suit is blown out with air and the bottom clings to 'is legs.

"Now every experienced diver knows that you must keep your 'ead above the 'orizontal, as it were, otherwise up goes your legs and you comes to the surface quick, feet first. This commonly 'appens to an inexperienced diver, and when there ain't much depth of water it don't do any 'arm apart from being a bit upsettin'. But to an experienced diver-well, it just don't 'appen.

"One day the orficer in charge of the party sends for me and says : `Barton,' 'e says, `I got a job of work for you.'

" Very good, sir,' I says.

"`There's a yacht come and anchored foul of our moorin's,' 'e says, `and I want you to go down and clear it, a straightforward job,' 'e says. `I 'll get the boat with diving party alongside for you now,' 'e says.

"'Very good,' I says, and goes below to get my sweaters on.

"Presently alongside comes the

divin'-boat and I gets into it. As we're a-pullin' to the spot where we were goin' to anchor before beginnin' operations

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we passes the yacht, and I notices several ladies and gentlemen leanin' over the side very interested in us ; so I 'as a bit of a brain-wave.

"Well, we comes to an anchor near the yacht, and I puts my suit on, goes over the side and gets on with my job.

"As the orficer said, it was a simple job, and I very soon finished, then I puts my 'ead down and comes up feet first.

"They 'auls me into the boat and takes my 'elmet off.

"'What the 'ell 's the matter with you?' says the orficer.

"`I'd like to ask you a question first,' I says.

"`Well, what is it?' 'e says, 'asty like.

"`I done my job, 'aven't I?' I says.

"`Yus,' 'e says.

"`I done it efficient?'

"`Yus.'

"`And expeditious?'

"`Yus.'

"`Well, then, does it matter to you or anybody else 'ow I comes up?'

"`Well, in a manner of speakin', no,' 'e says, `but I should 'ardly 'ave expected an experienced

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diver like you to come up stern first.' " (Only Mr. Barton didn't use the word "stern.") "`However, since you wishes to 'ave the subject dropped I 've got nothink to say,' 'e says.

"'Thank'e, sir,' I says.

"In a couple of minutes alongside comes a boat from the yacht. `Message from the owner of the yacht : is the pore diver 'urt?' `You can tell the owner from me,' I says, `that the pore diver ain't 'urt serious, but 'e 's a bit shaken up and a drop of spirits wouldn't do 'im no 'arm.'

"Presently along comes the boat again with a bottle three parts full of brandy. I 'as a good pull at it and 'ands it round the boat's crew.

"That evening I was goin' ashore with a friend of mine, an A.B. called Jack Fox" (Mr. Barton has a wonderful memory for names). " Presently 'e says: 'Awlfred,' 'e says, `'ow is it that you never seems to miss nothink ? 'Ow is it that if there 's anythink lyin' about you seems to be there to pick it up ? ' 'e says.

"`Jack,' I says, `you're a friend of mine, and I don't mind lettin' you into the secret - it 's errordittery!'

Here is an example of how Mr. Barton saved the

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situation: "I was once in the admiral's yacht, North America and West Indies Squadron," he said to me," an' bein' a small ship, we carried no doctor.

"When anybody 'appened to feel sick it was customary for them to come to me, and I 'd soon put 'em right.

"But the captain, who was always gettin' knocked up, being 'aughtily inclined, would suffer in silence, and it was 'eartrendin' to see 'im walkin' about and 'oldin' on to 'imself, as it were. We 'appened to be at Barbadoes, I remember" (Mr. Barton always had plenty of circumstantial evidence at his command), "when the captains gets took so bad that 'e couldn't stand it no longer, and so 'e sends for me.

"'Barton,' 'e says, 'I feels ill. Do you reckon you can do anything for me?'

"`First of all I wants a piece of chalk,' I says.

"`What?' 'e says.

"`A piece of chalk,' I says.

"`D'you imagine I'm a-goin' to eat a piece of chalk? ' 'e says. `Because - if so, you can go and '

"I don't want you to eat no piece of chalk,' I says soothin' like. `I just wants a piece of chalk.'

"Oh, very good,' 'e says, and sends for it.

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"When I gets it, I draws a line 'orizontal acrost 'is waistcoat about 'arf-way down and says : `Now, sir, is this trouble you complains of above that line or below it ? '

"`What the 'ell d'you want to know that for?' e says.

"`Because if it's above the line it's constitootional, and if it's below it's stomick,' I says.

"`Well, as a matter of fact, it's below the line,' 'e says, so I gives 'im 'arf a 'orse pill and 'e 's as right as rain the very next day!"

A horse pill, I must explain, is, or rather was, a large white pill supplied in all medical boxes of small ships and intended for use in certain rather general disorders. Strangely enough, one of these pills halved was more potent than a whole one.

With this anecdote I will close the chapter on Mr. Barton. Without his accent Mr. Barton's stories would lose much of their flavour, and to enjoy them to the full it is necessary to hear them from his own lips. Such a privilege, however, is only extended to a very few-such as retired commanders who have not served as such in big ships - and therefore I can only hope that these few examples will give some impression of the real Mr. Barton.

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