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(Scene)- A Group around the Galley of a Frigate. "WELL! I'm blest if I knows: but I knows this - there's no great meanin' in a matter as has to be back'd by length o' larnin'. - Rest my word on it, it's no more nor a muddy matter - there's never no seein' the bottom o' the bus'ness. - Morever, a meanin's a meanin, and, if more�s 202 meant, why then, - it's a regular-built double deceiver, and mischief�s sure, - sure to be uppermost!" "In course, Jim," responded a talkative topman; and here the reader is informed that prudential motives suggest the necessity of suppressing the Sir-names of all the leading interlocutors of the galley group. - In times like these, the Black-List is felt to be a ticklish thing; and no one knows it better than Jack. "In course, Jim - in course,- bo ! - a straight-for'ard manly meanin' 'ill stand alone - stand the tug o' truth, as stiff as a steeple - But look here, Jim - look here, bo ! - a lawyer's lip 'oud turn, ay, turn six-water-grog into mother's milk - once ship the coachman's wig - once clap on his clargyman's gown, and then, (that's if he sees you're afeard to face him,) then, stand clear of his well-paid prate. - Take him in trim, close-haul'd on his best pint, - wrongin�, you know, a regular right, then, see how he'll work to wind'ard o' truth - fore-reach 'upon reason, and creep, aye, 203 creep, for all the world, like a Mugian clipper, in the very wind's-eye of the longest law-" "Right, Bob - right, bo !" interrupted a restless auditor, impatient to support his shipmate's assertion- "and see how he'll pick and pilfer the sense out o' every strand - throw it aside out o' sight - work-up unwillin' words into reg'lar junk, and clinch the whole consarn by convartin' strong sense, and stronger proof, into rascally twicelaid or rotten rumbolin'-" "Well done, Bill ! - go it, Bob!" bellowed a bye-stander, rubbing his hands with delight � "Why, the pair on ye seems to carve 'em out!" "Sarve 'em out ! - not half as much as the fellors desarve. - We knows 'em well - doesn't we, Bob ? � �Twas never for nothin' we comed across their hawse." "You may say that, Bill. - We'd enough of their saucy sneerin' lip. - Long as I can sup my swizzle, I'll never, no, never forget that infarnal rascally trial - "1 1 In allusion to a trial at Newcastle. 204 "Bob," interrupted Bill, "Bob, d' ye 'members the little short-arm'd, bandy-legg'd beggar wi' the grizzly wig - the chap wi' the copper-colour'd phiz, - or to come more nearer the mark, wi' the brass breakin' out thro' his greasy mug ?" "Remember him ! - do I remember �Billinsgate Bet?' But, see here, - and, I doesn't care where I says it, - they're the sauciest set, (I doesn't say all - for it must be a precious bad trade as hasn't its good as well as its bad) - but I says your Old Bailey birds, and the likes o' they, are the sauciest sneerin' set, - the biggest bullies, and the most barefaced fellows as ever larnt, - larnt the trade o' tormentin' man. - Look at one on 'em" - continued the Cicero of the circle, waxing warm in debate, - "one on 'em, swearin' in an opposite witness - watch his mug, an you'll see, ay, as clear as the livin' light, the mischief brewin' in his bitter brain. - See how he'll fasten his ferrit eye on a poor unprotected petticoat, - a forlorn helpless girl, half terrified out of her life, an ready to fall in a faint at the dirty doubt the 205 fellow contrives to throw in his overhaul lurking look. � Watch - when the clerk claps the Bible, the book of God, into her trembling hand, watch then his double-faced phiz, when he hears her told (and perhaps himself repeats the same) to swear to the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth, at the very identical time the fellow's intent on confusin' the cretur, - takin' her aback - , capsizing her credit, and causin' the poor innocent soul to trip on the truth in spite of herself - I, once, could 'ave shied my shoe - " "Hilloa ! - hilloa ! my hearty;" interrupted a tall, brawny, muscular forecastle-man, catching the excited orator in the very act of suiting the action to the word � "no shyin' o' shoes here, Mister Bob ! - Recollect you're not among lawyers now: tho' I must say � " " What d' ye say ?"hastily returned the heated orator, snatching from the delicate digits of the tall tar his long-quartered, long-painted, canvass slipper � 206 "What does I say:- Why, I says, I grants you speaks no more nor the truth, naked, nat'ral, and bared to the bone :- but I must say, must indeed, Bob - that to me, its a reglar-built pauler 1, how a fellor like you, - a fellor as hates, and ought too, to hate a lawyer worse, ay, nor even a Jew, - can now, now tarn to, to copy his prate, and use his very dientical lip and lingo. - Why, you talks as large, and comes the Dick 2 as fast an' as fine, as if, by Joe, you'd a-reglarly a-shipped the wig!" "I talk like a lawyer ! - why, Sam, by your own showin', I speaks the truth, naked, nat'ral, and bared to the bone." "Han'somely, bo ! - han'somely. - Why, Bob, you has a fellor afore he's fairly down. - If you comes it in this here fashun, I'm blest but you'll pass for a reglar-built Bencher. - But just try back for a bend - take out the grind, and, you'll find it comes to this, and never no more - 1 Pauler, a puzzle. 2 Dick, dictionary. 207 If lip sometimes weathers on law - why, it tells on the one tack as well as the t'other. - A fellor, we'll say, falls sick; well! - he goes to the doctor, he can't do better. - But, then on t'other tack, 'sposin' he gets into debt, - gets pinn'd - gets in limbo, or gets in the clink - who does he look to then ? - who gets him his clearance ? - who, to be sure, but a reglar-built lawyer ? - so, steady a bit, bo ! - right your helm - fair play's a jewel - a trade's a trade - have bakers, have butchers - Jack Ketch must thrive as well as another. Then, on t'other tack - how's a lawyer to deal with a rogue - or treat a ruffin?" How ? - why the same way he does with a timid man, or modest woman - bully and badger till all's blue. - But, no, - he knows a trick worth two on it - he knows a hard-hearted ready rascal will sarve him out, and give him more than his own. - No, no, he won't grapple with his match - not he - I once see�d a light-finger'd chap floor a reg'lar lipper like smoke and oakum. - The pickpocket, as was only a witness, stands the 208 badgerin', at first, better than a well-baited bear : - at last, the light-finger'd lad opens his fire, and pours on the prater a double-shotted Billinsgate broadside as soon lowers the lawyer's lip : - 'till, findin' he was fairly floor'd, and goin' to looard as fast a haystack adrift, he loses his temper - turns to a snivellin', and prays an' 'plores the judge on the bench to grant him protection!" "Protection !-why he more nor another why more nor a better man ?" indignantly exclaimed a sitter hitherto silent on the subject in debate. � "I wouldn't grant, no, not one on 'em one ; nor does I see why as lawyers shou'dn't be prest as well as the other lubberly grass-combin' beggars they us'd to pin in the war." "Protection ! - why, Joe, we're on opposite tacks - I doesn't mean, man, a press protection." "Oh ! I axes your pardon ; - but still, Bob, there's never no makin' more of a thing nor it is - a protection's a protection all the world over. - Howsomever, strike out again - strike out, my 209 "But come, come," interposed the original mover of the original question � "come, I say - I say, we've taken a precious, precious wide yaw 1 from our course - What's the meanin' on it ? - I axes afore for that - I wants no more nor the real, reg'lar-built meanin' o' the matter - March-o'-Mind !'-March-o'-Mind! - I'm blest if it isn't a thorn-bred pauler, isn't it, Joe ?" "Why, at first sight, Jim, - at first sight," returned the interrogated tar, assuming all the air and consequence of oracular authority, - "at first sight, 'twould sartinly seem as much; but I thinks I can clear the kile, - I thinks I has it. You see, Jim, this here March-o'-Mind - (that's the word, isn't it?) - well, this here March-o'Mind means, you see, - means, you see, when a chap's a mind to march, he may!" "Oh ! that's it, is't ? - Well, in course, Tom in course you ought to know best:- but I knows this - I've never no mind to march. - I knows 1 Yaw, a digression. 210 when I've a good berth - a good barkey and meets with good usage. - I knows more too, - I knows my sarvitude time will tell at a time when I neither can sarve myself or Sal. - Talk o' the Marchan'�sarvus - What d'ye get in it now ? Small wages and worse wittels, for precious hard wearin'-out work - Get hurt in the hold, fall from aloft, fractur your pate, or catch a West-Ingy fever, who then's to cure you ? - a groggy skipper, or a greasy cook? - No, no, a good man as knows well his work, and knows how to respect himself - mind; I says himself - for if a man won't respect himself, where's the fellow as will? - Yes, yes, let a man but respect himself, obey his officers, and keep from lip and lickor, and he need never, no never, shy a King's ship, or, in any way, dread a man-o'-war. - The man as desarves the name o' man is sure, sure to be treated like a man, - and sure, in the end, to meet wi' reward'." 1 The subjoined extracts from a recently published pamphlet, entitled; "Impressment of Seamen," and the production of a "Naval Officer" of intelligence and experience, fully corroborate Jack's assertion. "It has been a matter of regret with me, that so little is known of the real comfort and advantages of a well-regulated man-of-war. They ought to be sung in every cottage in the kingdom, that the inhabitants of those humble mansions may know how well it fares with their friends at sea. It is true, that those of inquiring minds, and whose local circumstances give them the opportunity of information, are well aware that the governing principle, and practice of the service, are directed to the great objects of protection, and benefit to the men. "How little is it generally known that an able seaman may lay by ten pounds a-year, out of his wages, after clothing himself with neatness and comfort. "That he has an excellent bed, and every necessary description of clothing, of the most suitable quality, at fixed and reasonable prices ; also tobacco and soap. "That he has the same provisions, both in quality and quantity, as the admiral commanding the fleet; the daily allowances are liberal, and include a pint of wine, or a proportion of spirits. "That he has the best medical attendance, medicines, and medical comforts in sickness, free of all abatement from his wages. "That he has two months' wages paid in advance, when the ship is first fitted, to enable him to supply his wants. "That he may, while abroad, receive a certain sum monthly, as pocket money, if he wish it; and this optional advance is very proper to the extent to which it goes, but would be objectionable if carried further. "That he has peculiar advantages, not granted to officers, except those of the inferior classes, (non-commissioned officers:) Viz. "That he can allot a portion of his wages for the maintenance of his wife, children, mother, or sister, if he please ; which is paid to the party monthly, free of all charge. "That he has the privilege of sending letters to his family from any part of the world, subject only to a charge of one penny ; it is, therefore, the fault of the man himself if his family are ignorant of his situation. "That he can, when the ship is paid, (which, by Act of Parliament, must be at the end of every year, and every six months after, when in England,) have all or a part of his wages remitted to any place in the United kingdom, at the Government risk, for the use of his family; or there to receive it himself, if he should be going on leave of absence, or be discharged. "That he has a bounty of five pounds for voluntary service in war. "That the permanent appointments to the situations of boatswain and gunner, are given to the most deserving seamen, whether impressed or not, which operate as an encouragement to good conduct ; wounded men are eligible to warrants as ship's cook. It is not meant, however, by this, to say, that the advancement of the seamen is limited to such rank, but, on the contrary, I have the pleasure of being acquainted with some highly estimable men who were before the mast, who had nothing to recommend them but their skill and good conduct, and now do credit to the service in its highest classes; and, if needful, I could mention by name some of those distinguished men who were impressed into the service. "That a seaman has a pension after a certain number of years' service, if he produces testimonials of good conduct, and has never deserted. "That he has that noble institution, Greenwich Hospital open to him in old age, or if maimed in the service. "That his children are eligible to the schools at Greenwich, where they receive excellent instruction, calculated to fit them for any station their good conduct in the navy or merchant-service may obtain. "These, with many others, are benefits which belong equally to the marines when embarked, and they are enjoyed in common by impressed men as well as others." * May it not be well to have power to remit to the savings' bank of a man's parish ? 211 � Well done our side o' the house! - well done, Jim !" vociferated the tall tar, accompany [Continuation of footnotes for previous page, originally printed here have been moved to page 210 for easier reading.] 212 ing the compliment with a heavy open-handed slap on his messmate's shoulder.- "And, more [Continuation of footnotes for previous page, originally printed here have been moved to page 210 for easier reading.] 213 over, Jim, you knows well, the very chaps as sneer an' snarl 'bout the cruelty o' the cat, and the likes o' that 'ere shore-goin' lubberly trash, are only your pieabald parlimin'-praters, - chaps as are sore an' savage at sewin' seamen contented - 'stid of growlin' and dissatisfied like their sulky selves. - And yet, yet these very same hipper-crocodile varmins as pretend to pity, and feel, so much, as they tarm it, �for their fellor-creturs,' [Continuation of footnotes for previous page, originally printed here have been moved to page 210 for easier reading.] 214 are always the first, the very first to cut down an' dock a poor fellor-cretur's hard-earn'd pay, or to try an' knock off the harder-earn'd pension his king and country allows him to keep the little life that's left from leakage - " "That's you, Sam," ejaculated the last interlocutor. � "You says no more nor the truth - seamen are not dissatisfied, if not over-worked. in port, nor yet discontented when they gets liberty ashore, - we knows the revarse, - an' all on us know the best berth a seaman, or seafarin'-man, can find is 'board of a high-keltered, crack man-o'-war - a ship as makes every man know his work - every man do his duty, an' no man a morsel more:" "Where's the man as denies it, Jim?" "No one, as I knows: - but where's the man, as can tell me - tell me as a man, the real meanin' o' this mysty matter: - where's that man - where's that man, Tom ?" reiterated the perplexed inquirer of a question, which had already betrayed the disputants into those long 215 irrelevant digressions peculiar to seamen in debate. "Where's the man ? - why, here, here he is," cried an elderly tar, pointing to a fellow-forecastle-man who had just �taken up a close-order station' in the centre of the seated circle. � "Here's the man as 'ill soon come to the marrow o' the matter. - I say, Ned, you, as knows summit o' summit, and knows what's what, better nor most, - in course, you can take the thund'ring tho'roput 1 out o' this precious mess. - Here's' Jim here, jamm'd like Jackson, hard up in a clinch, an' can never get no one to clear the kile, or give him the real identical meanin' o' this here new-lanch'd lubberly phrase, as seems to puzzle us more afloat, nor even the long-headed fellors ashore." "What! ye means the March-o'-Mind ?" "That's you, Ned - you has it - that's the ticket, bo." 1 To disentangle. 216 "Then I can tell ye, Tom," returned the welcome interpreter to the puzzled party" I can tell ye, it means no more nor this - Prate! - prate ! - prate ! - gab ! - gab ! � gab ! - Pretendin' to know and do every thing better than the best o' your betters - a likin' to lay down the law - to deal in lip - to use long-winded words 'thout knowin' a word o' their meanin' - to pour over newspapers, as far oft'ner mean more mischief nor type 'ould tell - to prate in a pothouse - to talk large and larn'd over your pipe and lickor - to growl like a landsman, an' rig like a lubber - to slam a small smatt'rin' of every trade, and to never know nothin' o' your own. An' d----it - to clinch the whole - to end your days, and die like a dog in a ditch, for darin' to dabble out o' your depth." "Hurrah ! - Well done, Ned ! - I know'd you was the fellor as 'ould soon give us the English o' the matter." "Ay, ay, Tom: but Ned has given us more nor one meanin', you know � I wants the one real, 217 reglar-built meanin' o' the matter; for, as I said afore, it must be a double deceiver, as means more nor the one identical thing." "Well, Jim," returned the interpreter, "you has your choice, - take any one o' the few I gave ye. I've only given you the standin' part of a few of the meanins as stand for the phrase. But I can tell ye this - there's more mischief in the thing nor people thinks." "Well, isn't that exactly - exactly what I says ?" "To be sure, Jim - to be sure it is. Why, I was lately paid off from a ship - sloop-o'war. (I'll keep her name to myself, for I doesn't like to disgrace a craft as deserves the name of a clipper); but I was lately paid off from a craft, as was all as one as a floatin' parlimint house. There never was gather'd together such a beggarly bunch of gratin' pollytishins. There was the captain o' the main top as took in the Times' 1 We subsequently paid off, and re-commissioned this ship. 218 as reglar, ay, as he took his daily allowance.Let the ship go where she would, the newspaper reg'larly followed the fellor. - Stead of lookin' after his top, an' the likes o' that, he was always skulkin' below, pourin' over papers, or, as was mostly his favourite fashun, readin' out loud to a large lazy set of haddock-mouth'd listners, the whole o' the parlimint-palaver as was cramm'd chock o' block in every column o' the �Times.' - In as many minutes, he'd make as many remarks as 'ou'd fill a Liner's log for a month. There he'd lay down the law - say, if he was prime minister, he'd do this - that the First Lord o' the Admirallity ought to do that ; - if he was First Lord, he'd know well what to do ----" "Well," interrupted the long forecastle-man, "I only wishes I was the First Lord - I knows well what 1'd do." "What?" asked an inquisitive topman. "What? - why, take care o' myself for life make myself cook o' the Callydony 1." 1 Caledonia, first-rate. 219 "Well, you might do worse nor that. - But, bless your heart," continued 'knowing Ned' - (for here the cognomen cannot be considered a breach of privilege') - , "but, bless your heart, this March-o'-Mind was reg'larly playin' the devil afloat. - Fellors 'oud cut such capers - thoughts comed into their heads as never was know'd afore. - Them as was spliced, reg'larly twice a week, (days we didn't wash below,) must send off to their lovin' ribs long lubberly letters, criss'd and cross'd fore-an'-aft, and athaut-ships, for all the world like the square meshes of a splinter-nettin' ; an' if they didn't reg'larly receive by return o' post - for they all had their stated days, an' look'd for letters from the cryin' craft, as reg'larly as they did for pipin' to dinner - you'd see the poor devils the whole day long pinin' below, an' doin' far worse, neglectin' their duty on deck. But that wasn't all - I 'members one day fittin' out in Hamoaze - the chief boson's-mate, as one, 'oud suppose, ought to know more o' the sarvus - well, this chap, 220 as was long in the doctor's list, comes aft to the first-leaftennant, and clappin' on a mug o' mis'ry, axes for two days' liberty ashore. � �Ashore !' says the first-leaftennant, thinkin' the man was mad - an' well he might- �a man in the doctor's list ax for liberty ashore ! - why, my man,' says the first-leaftennant.� this is comin' it strong indeed ! ' says he � �I thought,' says the boson's-mate, - �I thought, Sir,' says he, �you didn't divine my drift ! ' � �Oh ! I axes your pardon,' says the first-leaftennant, opening a frolicksome fire on the fellow- �I axes your pardon - pray explain i' you please.' � �Well, Sir,' says Pipes, as stiff as a sulky soger, - 'it seems, Sir,' says he,- �that's, it seems so to me - when a man's unwell, it becomes,' says he - �becomes no more nor his duty to recover his health as fast as he can - the sarvus,' says he � �the sarvus demands it. - So, Sir,' says Pipes, �as I'm terribly troubled with the roomatis, an', as I well knows from 'sperience, there's never no other way to cure me, I wants,' says he, 'with your parmission - two days' 221 liberty ashore to take a dozen or two warm-baths 1.' - I'm blest, if the first-leaftennant didn't nearly drop down on the deck in a fit o' laughin'." "An' well he might: but I say, Ned, did he get the liberty ?" "To be sure he did.-The first-leaftennaut cou'dn't, for the life on him, find it in his good natur'd heart to refuse the fellow : but, bless you, that's a trifle to some o' their rigs. - We'd another boson's-mate, a smart fellow too, in his way; but he liked his beer. Whenever the fellow went ashore, he always came back to the ship as drunk as a lord: he used to say, 'twas the only time as ever he indulged in lickor: howsomever, as soon as he sobered, an' came to himself, down he'd dive to the doctor, sayin' - sayin' (let's see what was the word ?) - ay, I has it - sayin' he was fairly criplis - that's crippl'd you know, and beggin' the doctor to give him a cool Sally-lion draught - one o' your sober-water dozes - to ease the pain in his splittin' pate.-It's 1 This is literally true, and the man's name was Crawley. 222 as true as I'm sittin' here. Well, there's two touches o' your March-o'-Mind - now here's strike out for a third." "Go it, Ned ! go it, bo !" was the general cry. � "Well, you must know, this same captain o' the main-top-this same dientical chap as took in the �Times,� was one o' your fiddle-faddle fancy-men wi' the women - a terrible chap for sayin' a-soft things, an' dealin' in that delicate lip, as you know, as most ladies like. Well, I 'members one time, a-layin' in Kinsale harbour, when two or three o' the petty officers' wives as went to sea in the ship were all ashore but the one, an' she was the she-gunner's-mate - well, this here Vaux 1 - (for that was the fellow's name, an', moreover, he used to boast an' brag as he was the first o' the family) - well, this here Vaux took a terrible likin' to this she-gunner's mate, - an' she, sartinly, a likin' for he.-She 1 This man's name may be found in the books of the ship in question. 223 used to say �he said such things, - so nice a man - so pretty spoken, - so good-natur'd, - so good a scholard, - an' so so sober an' steady a man,' she'd say, shyin' a leerin' look at her husband, as much as to say-' that's more nor I can say o' you, Mister Tom.' Well, every one seed as Vaux and Sal were on more nor talkie' tarms he used to write her varses, send her Valentines, an' amuse her mind by readin' out to her all the robb'ries, murders, an' crim-cons as appear'd in the �Times.�" "Crim-cons ! - What the devil are they ?" "Why, it's a China word, I b'lieve ; but it means no more nor runnin' away wi' another man's wife." "What ! - a messmate's ? " " No, no, she wasn't a messmate - there was just a berth atwixt 'em. Howsomever, Tom, (the gunner's-mate, you know) smells a rat, an' says, one morn, comin' up to Vaux, as he catches him a-larnin' Sal to sing, an' tippin her one o' his Valentine varses - 'I say, young fellow,' says 224 Tom, snatching the paper out o' the fellow's fist, - "I say, I've a score to settle wi' you,' � �A score!' says Vaux, - �what for ? ' � �Don't mind him,' says Sal, leavin' Tom an' the capon-o'-the-top to side it out. � �What for ?' says Tom, seein' Sal leavin' the berth, for he didn't want her to know he was bent on a breeze � �Make for the bay - 1 says Tom, �an' I'll soon let you know - we'll soon see who's the most right to sing with Sal or write her varses.' - 'I tell ye what it 'tis,' says Vaux, comin' the gemmen's gammon over the gunner's mate � �I tell ye what it 'tis - I'm never the man as you takes me to be - I'm not a-goin,' - says he, 'to make a hives-court man o' myself, an' fist it out like a bullyin' bla'guard. If it's honourable' - (mind the fellow's impudence talking of honour in the very same breath he was tryin' to undermine the poor man's happiness !) -, if it's 1 Bay.-The reader is not to suppose the nethernmost depths of the Bay of Biscay are here alluded to. The bay of a ship means the foremast part on the 'tween decks. 225 honourable satisfaction,' says he - �honourable satisfaction you wants, say the word, an' I'm your man whenever you chooses your time.' - Well, this, you know, was a reg'lar-built pauler to Tom, as thought to settle the score in the reg'lar way, and to side it out in the bay below. - So no more was said for a time - 'twas just six-bells in the forenoon watch. - Well, howsomever, it happens that very same afternoon the small-arm'd men was exercised firing at a mark, - an' just as all was over, the men ordered to clean their muskets, an' the gun-room officers divin' down to their dinners, - I'm blest i' the midshipman o' the watch didn't catch poor Tom an' the varmint Vaux in the very dientical act o' poppin' at one another with a pair o' ship's muskets. - Tom took his stand on the folksel, an' the right honourable Mister Varmint Vaux in front o' the poop, levellin' at his shipmate's life after tryin' all his soft, sinnavatin' ways to weather him out of his wife. - Tom's musket was cramm'd to the muzzle with more nor twenty balls, in case, as 226 he afterwards said, the first eighteen or nineteen should miss his man. � Well ! now - what d' ye think o' that 1 ? - there's a third touch o' the March-o'-Mind - an' I hasn't done with half of it yet." "Done wi' half on it - Well, for my part," ejaculated the leading interlocutor of the party, "for my part, I wants to hear no more o' the matter - I 'spected as much - thought all along 'twas a double deceiver ; an' as for mischief, I'm sartin there's the makin' o' more in it, ay, - nor a main-top-full of monkeys 'oud make in a month - Honourable satisfaction ! - honourable satisfaction ! - Well, I'm blest if it doesn't bang Black Sal's petitionin' the first-leaftennant of the Levee-athan to grant her a reg'lar-built lawful divorce." "Dash my wig, here are two double-fisted fellors callin' 'emselves men, an' seamen withal, 1 This occurrence happened on board a ship now in commission. 227 tarnin' to, to ape the antics of a pair of parlee-voo hopkickers, an' all for why ? - for honourable satisfaction - for the right honourable satisfaction of larnin' a wall-sided wench to sing. - See here, Ned, only I knows you was never the man to make more of a thing nor truth 'ould back - a chap as never took to hearsay talk (for you knows what the skipper said on that score the time we'd the Crowner's-quest aboard;) au' moreover, only I knows you to be just what the Crowner said he believed you to be - both before your face an' behind your back, - an', that you know, Ned, was what the old gemman called �a voracious man' - that's a man as never swallows more nor he ought - I'd say, Ned, an' I'm not the man as means the smallest morsel of offence, - I'd say, the whole yarn, from beginnin' to end was, what your bull-room blades 'oud call a reg'lar-built thund'ring thumper." "Well then, see here, Jem," retorted the tall tar, taking up the cudgels in defence of the individual whose veracity had been so insidiously 228 impugned in the last round-about speech, see here, only I know you never were, an', what's more, never will be a thoro'bred parlimint-prater ; I'd say, you'd been a-larnin' from some o' the like to play at long-balls wi' your prate. - Why, - why the devil do you work such a terrible traverse ? - that's always the way wi' your parlimin-chaps - they never can touch on the smallest matter - no matter what-but they must back an' fill - an' box about, for all the world like a deep-laden collier tidin' - it up in a narrow reach. - If you doesn't believe the man, can't you be man enough and say so at once, an' there's an end o' the matter." "No, Sam," interrupted the anecdotical Ned, "no - I doesn't want an end o' the matter ; - I knows it's not in natur to make a body believe a thing as he doesn't like. Now I knows you wouldn't like to believe it, if I tells ye that I've seen a skipper of a frigate shame a whole ship's company by heavin' himself out on the taupsleyard-arm, an' takin' the weather-earin' out o' the 229 hands o' the captain o' the main-top.-Well now, I've seed that - but I knows it's hard, - no easy matter, by any manner o' means, to make men believe in things almost beyond belief." "That's just what I says." "Well, Jim - there's only one way o' clinchin' the truth - an' - now I says, if any man among ye chooses - or, if the King chooses, - or, if the First Lord-o'-the-Admirallity chooses, an' moreover, if the first-leaftennant chooses, I'll willin'ly go aft this precious minit," (rising from his seat for the purpose) "an' take my Bible oath, on the book, that all I've told you about the varmint Vaux, and the other two March-o'-Mind-men, is no more, as I hope to be saved, nor the truth - the whole truth - an nothin' but the naked truth." "We all believes ye, Ned - all, all - there's not a man on us as doesn't," vociferated several voices in fast succession � "But if that, Ned" said one, addressing the narrator - as soon as the clamour of assent had ceased - "if that's what ye calls the March-o'-Mind - the sooner it 230 marches ashore the better - Why, I'd rather, rather, by Joe, bear-up at once for a Guinea-slaver, ay, battle-the-watch wi' a parcel o' cut-throat pirates - for then, you know a man's well awake to the worst:- but may I lose to-morrow's plush 1, an' I'm not a man as likes to lose the like, - if I woudn't sooner sail for months an' months, ay, even for years, in a reglar-built Yankey slaver, nor sarve a single soft summer's week in the best man-o'-war in the sarvus as was diskiver'd to have the smallest morsel of this here march of mind aboard - Why, I looks upon it to be far worse, an' sartinly far mor 'fectious nor one o' your reg'lar Levanters.- Now, if I was a big-wig, an' I'm none o' your bullyin'-chaps as gets a better man's berth by length o' lip. but, if I was a big-wig, I'm blest if I wouldn't clap ev'ry 'scription o' craft-King's ships, �John's Company's' an' all into reg'lar long currentime as was ever 'spected to 've the slightest touch of 1 An extra allowance of grog given by the seamen to the cook of the mess. 231 it atwixt decks.-March-o'-Mind, indeed ! - Why, Ned, I just takes it to be as bad as this here Corporal Morbus, as is so long a-levellin' the Sunderland �Smashers,' an' keelhaulin' the Newcastle �Keelmen.' - I say, Ned, - never say no more about it." "Why not? why not?" said the long forecastle-man, exhibiting symptoms of unwonted warmth.- "Never mind him - I tells you - an', when I tells you, that's enough, Mister Ned now I tells you to let's know all you know o' the matter - I'm not afeard of it," continued the excited Sam � "I doesn't shy it - I'm none o' your nockalatin' chaps as catches ev'ry sore an' sickness as flies an' flaws about - I never grappled wi' Yelloic-Jack 1, when he floor'd ev'ry fellor fore-an'-aft ; ay, an' when the skipper, poor man, (and a better man never left his bones to bleach on a burnin' beach,) yes, when the poor old skipper, an' ev'ry soul in the ship down to Dirty-Dick at the coppers, was droopin' an' 1 Yellow-Jack,-the yellow fever. 232 droppin' on deck, an' dyin' by tens an' tens of a day - So, see here - Sam cares no more for the 'fection, as ye calls it, of the March-o'-Mind, nor Sam car'd afore for the fast-takin' 'fection of YellowJack - So, now Mister Ned, - do as I tells ye - tell us all you know o' the matter." "Oh, if you goes to that, Sam, I could keep the watch awake for a month. - In all my born days, I never see'd such a ship - tho' they tells you too, she was never nothing to some o' your fancy liners 1. Why, bless ye, some o' your guardo-chaps 2 come over you now with the pride o' their pratin' schoolmaster - If you talks sense to 'em, (for they're far too conceited to see straightfor'ard seamen's sense,) they doesn't listen to ye - They cocks up their sneerin' noses - turns on their heel - takes to lip, an' threatens you, by Joe, with the schoolmaster ! - the thundering schoolmaster !" 1 Line-of-battle ships, and their crews, are so designated by seamen. 2 Guardo-chaps - the crew of a guard ship, 233 "I 'spose, Ned, they're sick o' the cat, an' wants to bring in the boys' birch !" "I doesn't know, Jim, what they wants - nor, what's more, does one half the wantin' world know what the tother half wants to want. But I knows this, the last time I was on liberty aboard a liner - let's see, it's more, ay, more nor a twelve-month now - no, now I thinks on it too, not quite a twelve-month yet - a twelve-month exactly to-morrow week - 'cause now I 'members we only shifted from the ship to the hulk in Hamoaze the very forenoon afore. Well, I tells ye, the last time I sups my swizzle 'twixt two o' the foremost bull-dogs 1 in her starboard bayone o' these here pratin' pollytishuns cuts me short in my yarn, in the very marrow o' the matter too - for I was just tellin' 'em, Sam, your twist o' the �Mudian Ghost� - an' a capital yarn it is. - Well, just as I was coming to the part where the ghost was seed makin' a harlekin-bolt thro' o' the best-bower hawse-hole, this here pratin' chap jumps on his pins, and sings out in a most 1 Bull-dogs - guns on the lower deck, 234 mockin' manner � �Stuff! Stuff ! - Be more of a man!' says he - ' give o'er your childish talk an' bear this in mind,� says he, snappin' his fingers as he walks clean out o' the berth - 'bear this in mind, Sir,' says he, - Sirring me too � �Bear this in mind, Sir,' says he,-, The schoolmaster's now abroad!' " "Well, Ned, you knows," said a tar of the olden time � "you knows every liner's allow'd a reg'lar-built schoolmaster." "Sartinly I grants - But how can a fellor be both aboard an' abroad ? - Can a fellor be both at the lead an' helm at the same dientical time ? " "No, Sam, sartinly not." "Then, where's the use o' tellin' o' twisters, an' sayin' the schoolmaster's abroad, when the fellor's aboard, borne on the books, - reg'larly wittled, an' perhaps never misses as much as his muster a single day. - But it's always the way," continued the long logician, waxing warm in debate � "it's always the way wi' them there know-nothin' chaps - they're sure, to think they knows every thing better nor their betters. - I 235 should like to see some o' your schoolmaster-chaps try to puddin' an anchor. - I never know'd one on 'em yet as could tell the difference 'twixt the lay of a right and a left-handed rope." "See here," added the argumentative Sam, assuming an unaffected air of seriousness � "See here, if the first foremast-man afloat, ay, the smartest captain of a top as ever haul'd-out a weather-earin', -or the best captain of a folksel as ever clothed a battle-ship's bowsprit, was to tell me - an' Ned knows I'm an even-minded man, - a man as a child might any time play with like a caperin' kitten, - that's providin' I wasn't provok'd by lying lip, - but if the best man in the sarvus was to come up to me, face to face, an' to tell me such a thund'ring twister as the young gemmen's schoolmaster was abroad, when I well know'd the man was aboard, - why I'd just up wi' my nearest flipper, an' floor the fellor as flat as a flounder � �Now,' says I, after layin' him low � �take that! - take that,' says I, an' ax the schoolmaster,' says I � �the next time you sees him,' says I, - �if he was the man,' 236 says I, �as larnt you to lie.' - I'm blest if I wouldn't - tho' I know'd the act wou'd bring me the very next moment both legs in limbo!" "Well, Sam, you'd do no more nor right, - but, as I was a-goin' to tell ye," - resumed the man, who has been already introduced to the reader by the applicable cognomen of Knowing Ned,' - " as I was a-goin' to tell ye, - for the whole three years I sarv'd in that there March-o'-Mind man-o'-war I was tellin' ye about, - I never hears as much as a sailor's song - a song as ye cou'd call a reg'lar-built seaman's stave." "No, Ned, you doesn't now often hear the staves as we used to sing in the war - You never now hears - 'Will-ye-go-to-Cawsin-Bay-BillyBo-Billy-Bo!' - nor the 'Saucy-Arethusa' - nor the �Bold Brittanny' -, Black-colours under her mizen did fly'-, From Ushant to Scilly is thirty-five leagues' - an' many more o' the sim'lar sort." "No, no, Sam, - you're right enough - your March-o'-Mind-men must now come your simmy-dimmy quiv'ring quivers-tip ye soft sentimental touches - sigh-away like ladies in love, an' never 237 sing nothin' but your silly sicknin' stuff; as often used to frighten the geese an' make 'em cackle in the coop, for all the world like the comin' of a heavy hurricane - Moreover, your March-o'Mind-men never will sing a single stave as admits of the main thing - for what's a song as won't allow all hands to jine in reg'lar coal-box" 1 - No, no, your March-o'-Mind-men hav'n't, you may depend on it, the mind o' men - they think far more like people as rig in petticoats, nor they as tog in trowsers - Now what looks more young-ladyish, nor to see a fellor with a fist like a shoulder o' mutton, flingin' his flipper about, an' suitin' his antics to his song, as he snivels out-' Strike-strike the light guitar !' " "What, Ned,-comin' what ye calls your forty-poney fingers over a fellor ?" "Exactly - for all the world like one o' your Spanish ladies - one o' your Cadiz-craft - Then again - we'd another chap - a chap, too, as big an' bulky as a bullock - easin'-it off - an' 1 Coal-Box, - chorus. 238 mincin'-it out like a lank boardin'-school miss - 1'd be a Butterfly born in a Bower.' " "In a bower-tier, I 'spose, Ned?" "No, bo, - born in a bush." "Well then, Sam, we'd another fellor as 'oud 'ave made you laugh more nor even Big-Ben buzzin' about in a bush - There was the captain o' the mizen top - a cap-struck chap as was all day long pesterin' people about his I dear Sue' his ' fond Sue'-an' his I best-o'-wives' - well, that there chap, as was all day long teazin' an' tormentin' every man an' boy aboard 'bout his crojack-eyed-craft-could never at night be got to sing no other stave but �Oh, no, we never mentions her !' - Why, I was obligated at last, to chalk-out a sort of stave for 'em, to see if I could turn their petticoat thoughts, an' make 'em ashamed of their die-away ditties." "Well, look here, Ned, - if I was a man as had weight in the world, I'd make a reg'lar-built law as no lubberly songs should be sing'd in the sarvus - I'd make it, by Joe ! one o' the Articles o' War." ^ back to top ^ |