Name Index

Actual Epitaphs

Novice Farmer

Here lies Clyde
Whose life was full
Until he tried
To milk a bull
Tightrope Walker

Used no net
Knew no fear
Made mis-step
Wound up here
English Churchyard

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay
Lies Arabelly Young
Who on the twenty-fourth of May
Began to hold her tongue
Storrington England

Here lies the body of Edward Hyde
We laid him here because he died
A Baker

Throughout his life he kneaded bread
And deamed it quite a bore
And now six feet beneath earth's crust
He needth bread no more
Physician, I. Letsome

When people's ills, they come to I
I physics, bleeds, and sweats 'em
Sometimes they live, sometimes they die
Whats that to I?
Concord, Mass Farmer in Debt

Ephriam Wales Bull
He sowed
Others reaped

This is on me, boys
Disgruntled Son in Maryland

My father and mother were both insane
I inherited the terrible stain
My grandfather, grandmother,
Aunts and uncles
Were lunatics all
And yet died of carbuncles
Montrose, South Dakota

To he who passes by, as you are,
So once was I
As I am now, thou soon shalt be
So prepare thyself to follow me
James Alberry

He slept beneath the moon
He basked beneath the sun
He livd a life of going-to-do
And left with nothing done
See Above

To follow thee
Is not my intent
Unless I know
Which way you went
Uniontown, PA

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas pedal
Instead of the brake
5-year old, Hameden, CT

Soon ripe
Soon rotten
Soon gone
But not forgotten
John Penny, Winborn, ENG

Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny
Schoolcraft, Mich.

Born of woman
Killed by lead
I most likely
Had your wife in bed
Contented Man

Here I lie snug as a bug in a rug
Nearby Relative

Here I lie snugger than that other bugger
East Dalhousie,Nova Scotia

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young
Vermont Widow

Sacred to the memory of Jared Bates
Who died August the 6th, 1800
His widow, aged 24, lives at 7 Elm Street
And yearns to be comforted
Edinburgh, Scotland

Beneath this stone a lump of clay
Lies Uncle Peter Dan'els
Who early in the month of May
Took off his winter flannels
Harry Edsel Smith 1903-1942

Looked up the elevator shaft
To see if the car was
On the way down.
It was!
Anna Walace, Ribbesford, ENG

The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife
And the Devil sent him Anna
New Jersey

Julia Adams
Died of thin shoes
April 17, 1839
Age 19 years
Samuel Brenton, Stockbridge, Mass

Was suddenly killed at early dawn
July 4th, 1842
By the explosion of a small canon
Aged 15 years
Ellen Shannon, Girard, Penn

Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
By the explosion of a lamp
Filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Hartscombe, England

On the 22nd of June
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune
Owen Moore, London

Gone Away
Owin' more
Than he could pay
A Skeptic

I was not
I am not
I grieve not
Stowe, Vermont

I was somebody
Who, is no business
Of yours
Talkirk, England

At rest beneath this slab of stone
Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt
He died one morning just at ten
And saved a dinner by it
Ruidoso, New Mexico

Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising
Life of Riley

Here lies Kelly
We buried him today
He lived the life of Riley
When Riley was away
Ashby de la Zooch, ENG newborn

Opened my eyes
Took a peep
Didn't like it
Went back to sleep
Lincoln, Maine

He found a rope and picked it up
And with it walked away
It happened that to the other end
A horse was hitched, they say
They took the rope and tied it up
Unto a hickory limb
It happened that the other end
Was somehow hitched to him

In memory ov John Smith
Who met wierlent death neer this spot
18 hundred and 40 too. He was shot
by his own pistill.
It was not one of the new kind,
But a old fashioned brass barrel,
And of such is the Kingdom of heaven
Tombstone, Arizona

Here lays Butch
We planted him raw
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw
Enosburg Falls, Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go
Rock Valley, Mass

We all have a debt
To nature due
I've paid mine
And so must you
Kent, England

Grim death too me
Without any warning
I was well at night
And dead in the morning
Nantucket, Mass

Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease
He is not here, there's only the pod
Pease shelled out and went to God
Dorsetshire, England

Here lies the body
Of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels
And away she went

Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake

Here lies a man named Zeke
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek
Boot Hill

Here lies Lester Moore
Four shots from a .44
No Less No more
Douglas County, Nebr

I am woman
Hear me roar
And Boy did she
Elkhart, IN Teacher

School is out
Teacher has gone home
Sheep Thief in Ireland

Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp
Who lived by wool and died by hemp
Burlington, Mass

Here lies the body of Susan Lowder
Who burst while drinking Seidlitz Powder
Called from this world to her heavenly rest
She should have waited till it effervesced
Ravlunda, Sweden

Here beneath rest the ashes of a man
who was in habit of always postponing
everything till the day after. However, at
last he improved and really died Jan. 31, 1972

Ma loved Pa
Pa loved women
Ma caught Pa with one in swimmin'
Here lies Pa
Chapel Hill, NC

I was Carolina born
And Carolina bred
And her I lay
Carolina dead
Cripple Creek, CO

He called Bill Smith a liar
Colorado Springs
her husband buried in Texas

I would rather be here than in Texas
New Hampshire

Tears cannot restore her
Therefore I weep
Middlebury, Vermont

I put my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own
Athiest, Arthur Haine

Marlborough, NH 1829

The land I cleared is now my grave
Think well, my friends, how you behave

Thorp's Corpse

When wife died, changed to:

Here lieth Thorpses Corpses

I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife
That something on this spot may boast of life
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot
Shrubs may revive, but you thank Heaven will not
An Inventor

Here lies Salvino Armalo D'Armati
Of Florence
The inventor of spectacles
May God pardon his sins!
The year 1318
Ripon, York fisherman

Here lies poor but honest Bryan Tunstall
He was a most expert angler until Death
Envious of his art, threw out his line
Hooked him and landed him here the
21st day of April 1790
Abe Bell, fireworks maker

He had gone to the only place
Where his own works are excelled
Burlington, Vermont

She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life
Essex, England

Here lies the man Richard,
And Mary his wife,
Whose surname was Prichard
They lived without strife
And the reason was plain
They abounded in riches
They had no care nor pain
And his wife wore the britches
Eufaula Historical Cemetery

Honey you don't know what you did for me
Always playing the lottery
The numbers you picked came into play
Two days after you passed away
For this, a huge monumnet I do erect
For now I get a yearly check
How I wish you were alive
For now we are worth 8.5
Eliza More

Here lies one who never lied before
And one who never will lie More
To which there need be no More said

Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer
And that is Strange
Mr. Day was tall

As long as long can be
So long so long was he
How long, how long, dost say?
As long as the longest Day
Mr. Fish

Worms are bait for fish
But here's a sudden change
Fish is bait for worms
Is not that passing strange?
Waynesville, NC

Come blooming youths, as you pass by
And on these lines do cast an eye
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so must you be
Prepare for death and follow me

Added beneath

To follow you I am not content
How do I know which way you went
Samuel Crane

Here lies the body of Samuel Crane
He ran a race with a passenger train
He got to the crossing and almost across
Sam and his car was a total loss
Sam's spirit now tolls his knell
That Sam is on his way to .. well
If he only took time to stop look and listen
He'd be living now instead of missin'

Here's to Johnny quite a guy
Very sad he had to die
All was well could not be better
'Till he wrote my girl a letter
Boot Hill

He was young
He was fair
But the Injuns
Raised his hair

Wherever you be
Let your wind go free
For holding it in
Was the killing of me
Coffee Drinker

Here lies cut down like unripe fruit
The wife of Deacon Amos Shute
She died of drinking too much coffee
Anny Dominy eighteen forty
New England

I told you I was sick
An ossified corpse

He died hard
Margaret Daniel, Richmond, VA

She always said her feet were killing her
But nobody believed her
Hookstown, PA with marijuana etching

Stay high
Youngster killed in a fire

Little Willy in the best of sashes
Played with fire and was burnt to ashes
Very soon the room got chilly
But no one liked to poke poor Willy
Oconto Falls, WI

Here lies the body of a man who died
Nobody mourned-Nobody cried
How he Lived-How he fared
Nobody knows-Nobody cared
Joyce Woodfin

Here lies Joyce
She'd rather not
But no choice
Arthur C. Homans, Cleveland

Once I wasn't
Then I was
Not I ain't again
Also Joyce Woodfin

Assuming my death has ocurred
And five doctors have concurred
Please revive me
If you can get no breath
Take the person who caused my death
And bury then right beside me
Niagra Falls, Canada

Here lies the body of Ephriam Wise
Safely tucked between his two wives
One was Tillie and the other Sue
Both were faithful, loyal, and true
By his request in ground that's hilly
His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie
East Derry, NH

I don't know how to die
Ontario, Canada

A victim of fast women and slow horses
Julian Skaggs, West Virginia

I made an ash of myself
North Carolina spinster postmistress

Returned - Unopened
Charles A. Miller, Vineland, NJ

I came I know not whence
I go I know not whither
Schenectady, NY

He got a fish-bone in his throat
And then he sang an angel note
Asa Barton, Norway, ME

His faults are buried with him
Beneath this stone
His virtues (if he had any)
Are remembered by his friends
Lebanon, Connecticut

As a stranger she did die
In strange lands she doth lie
Here by strangers she was laid
And her funeral charges paid

Here lies a man who while he lived
Was happy as a linnet
He always lied while on the earth
And now he's lying in it
Pioche, Nevada

Here lies Slip McVey
He would be here today
But bad whiskey and a fast gun
Put him away
Roxbury, Conn

Eliza, sorrowing
Rears this marble slab
To her dear John
Who died of eating crab
Robert Phillip, gravedigger

Her I lie at the Chancel door
Here lie I because I am poor
The farther in the more you pay
Here I lie as warm as they

John E.
"The defense rests"

Hooray my brave boys
Lets rejoice at his fall
For if he had lived
He would have buried us all
Moultrie, Georgia

Here lies the father of 29
He would have had more
But he didn't have time
Brookland, Arkansas

Dr. Fred Roberts
Office upstairs
John Dryden for his wife

Here lies my wife
Here let her lie
Now she's at rest
And so am I
Lettuce Manning

Oh cruel death
To satisfy thy palate
Cut down our Lettuce
To make a salad
Messages to a wife

1890. The light of my life has gone out
1891. I have struck another match

Here lies Ned
There is nothing more to be said
Because we like to speak well of the dead
Coal miner

Gone underground for good
Music Conductor

Stephen and time are now both even
Stephen beat time and now time's beat Stephen

Here lies Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann
Dec. 8, 1767
Beza Wood, Winslow, Maine

Here lies one Wood enclosed in wood
One Wood within another
The outer wood is very good
We cannot praise the other
Mr. Mudd

Here lies Matthew Mudd
Death did him no hurt
When alive he was Mudd
But new he's only dirt
Anthony Drake

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake
Who died for peace and quietness sake
His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin
So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin
Paris, France

Tired of this eternal buttoning
And unbuttoning
Thurmont, Maryland

Here lies an atheist
All dressed up and no place to go

Jedediah Goodwin
Born 1828

This empty urn is
Sacred to the memory
Of John Revere
Who died abroad
In Finistere
If he had lived
He would have been
Buried here
Oxford, England

Here lies the body of Elred
At lease he will be when he is dead
But now at this time he's still alive
14th August '65
Dear Sister

Here lies the body of Mary Ford
We hope her souls is with the Lord
But if for Hell she's changed this life
Better live there than as J. Ford's wife
Streatham, England

Here lies Elizabeth
My wife for 47 years
And this is the first damn thing
She ever done to oblige me
Glasgow, Scotland

Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up than I'll lie still
New Shoreham, RI

Captain Thomas Coffin
Died 1842, age 50 years
He's done a-catching cod
And gone to meet his God
Belturbet, Ireland

Here lies the body
Of John Round
Lost at sea
And never found
Irish Grocer

Here lie the remains of John Hall, grocer
The world is not worth a fig
And I have good raisins
For saying so
Lubbock, Texas

He burnt his candle at both ends
It did not last the night
But oh, my dears, and oh, my friends
It made a lovely light
Nitro Glycerin Driver, 1880's

The man buried here literally
Went to the four winds
Wiltshire, England

Blown upward out of sight
He sought the leak by candlelight
Marblehead, Mass

Here lies the body of
Jane Gordon
With mouth almight
And teeth accordin'
Woodville, England

The dust of
Melantha Gribbling
Swept up at last
By the Great Housekeeper
Charleston, SC

Reader, I've left this world, in which
I had a world to do
Sweating and fretting to get rich
Just such a fool as you
Boston, Mass

First a cough
Carried me off
Then a coffin
They carried me off in
Hillaire Belloc

Here richly, with ridiculous display
The politician's corpse was laid away
While all of his acquaintance sneered and slanged
I wept for I had longed to see him hanged
Hartford, Conn

Those who cared for him while living
Will know wose body is buried here
To others it does not matter

Grieve not for me my husband dear
I am not dead but sleeping here
With patience wait-perforce to die
And in a short time you'll come to I

The husband added:

I am not grieved my dearest life
Sleep on. I've got another wife
Therefore I cannot come to thee
For I must go and live with she
Tussell J. Larsen, Logan, UT

Two things I love most
Good horses and beautiful women
And when I die I hope they tan
This old hide of mine and make
It into a ladies riding saddle
So I can rest in peace
Between the two things I love
Ivy Saunders, Shutesbury

Here lies my husbands 1-2-3
As still as men could ever be
As for the fourth, praise be to God
He still abides above the sod
Abel, Seth and Leidy were the first 3 names
And to make things tidy I'll add his-James

Sacred to the remains of
Jonathan Thompson
A pious Christian and
Affectionate husband
His disconsolate widow
Continues to carry on
His grocery business
At the old stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
And best prices in town.

He looked
For gold
And died of
Lead poison

Here lid the bones of Private Jones
For whom war held no terrors
A private then, a private now
No runs, no hits, just errors

John D. Cudd, DMD
Filling his last cavity
Covington, VA

I made a lot of deals in my lifetime
But I sure went in the hole on this one
Devon, England

Here lies in horizontal position the outside case
of Dear George Routleight, watchmaker, whose
abilities in that line were an honor to his
profession. Integrity was the mainspring, and
prudence the regulator of all the actions of his
life. Humane, generous and liberal, his hand
never stopped until he had relieved distress. So
nicely regulated were his movements that he
never went wrong, except when set agoing by
people who did not know his key; even then he
was easily set right again. He had the art of
disposing his time so well that the hours glided
away in one continued round of pleasure and
delight, till an unlucky moment put a period to
his existence. He departed this life November
14, 1802, aged fifty-seven. Wound up in hopes
of being taken in hand by his Maker and being
thoroughly cleansed, repaired, and set agoing in
the world to come.
Tired Housewife

Here lies a poor woman
Who was always tired
She lived in a house
Where help was not hired
Her last words on earth were:
"Dear friends, I am going
where washing ain't done,
nor sweeping, no sewing
but everything there
is exact to my wishes
for where they don't eat
there's no washing of dishes
Don't mourn for me now
Don't mourn for me never
I'm going to do nothing
For ever and ever."