Things to Worry About
Things to Worry About
If you play a blank tape at full blast can a mime hear it?.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has
been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT
of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would
the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?
It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not a door?
If you tell someone that there are 400 billion stars they'll
believe you. So why, when you tell them the bench has wet paint,
do they touch it?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just
SEEM longer?
Would a salesperson in a bookstore help you if you asked,
"Where's the self-help section?"
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Does war determine who's right or who's left.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
When you put cold catsup on hot eggs why does it turn the eggs cold
instead of the catsup hot?
Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
What happens if you get half-scared to death - Twice!
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If a man is standing in the middle of the s speaking and
there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are
Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look
the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is if OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead
of parachutes?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there.... I'm gonna eat the next
thing that comes outta it's butt."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which
no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he
fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their
crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just
buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a
hemorrhoid when it's in your !#*?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but
when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting weak?
Why do Kamikazi pilots wear helmets?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are
always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it back down and try again?
How do those dead bugs get inot those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that when you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table,
you always manage to knock something else off?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in", but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why do people say the "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, on you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings, then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people forPresident and 50 for Miss America?
Can you cry under water?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were buried in for eternity?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going
to see you naked anyway.
Who was the first person to look at an egg come out of a
chicken's butt and say "That looks like some good eatin!"?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they
tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your
license, are you going to be smiling?
