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Here are some jokes I hope you will enjoy. These first ones are miscellaneous jokes, while a sampling of engineering-related jokes follows.
The Duck in The Drug Store
A duck walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some chapstick. The pharmacist gives him a small stick of the lip balm and says to the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck says, "Put it on my bill."
Funny Quote (my old pal Harley Haas sent me this one)
"The trouble with quotes on the internet is that it's difficult to determine whether or not they are genuine." - Abraham Lincoln
The Little Fireman
A fireman was working on the fire truck outside the station house when he noticed a little boy next door. The little boy had a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He wore a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman asked, "Hey little boy, what are you doing?"
"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" said the little boy.
The fireman walked over and took a closer look.
"Little boy, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman said.
"Thanks mister", said the little boy.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed the little boy had tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.
"Little boy, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
"You're probably right, mister," said the little boy, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. Looking up he notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen also boarding the plane. She walks down the aisle and sits in the seat right next to him. Anxious to begin a conversation with the woman the man nervously asks,
"Where are you flying to?"
"To Chicago for the annual Nymphomaniac Convention." said the woman.
The man's senses screamed with excitement! "Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to me," he thought,"and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!
"What do you do at this meeting?" he asked eagerly.
"Well," she said, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he went on desperately.
She explained, "One popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact it is Native American men who have this trait. Also, it is widely believed that Frenchman are the best lovers, when in fact it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting.....," the man responded.
The beautiful woman blushed, then said to the man. "I'm sorry, I do feel a bit awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you. What is your name?"
The man extended his hand and replied,
"Nice to meet you, my name is Running Bear, Running Bear Goldstein."
Women are Clever
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she asked to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
A young punk rocker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self-conscious and spits at the old man: "What're you starin' at old man, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"
Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Yes, back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and had relations with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
Here are some funny (hopefully) Engineering jokes to amuse you! Let me know of any new ones you might hear!
Let me start with a few true stories to set the mood. Flashback. I am a civil engineering student at ASU, standing outside the engineering building talking with one of my friends, Scott, an electrical engineering student I hung with sometimes. [Time out for a side story - Scott's dad, an electrical engineer with Honeywell, actually built and sold me my first computer in the early 1980s - it had a dual speed NEC V20 processor, so it ran at either 6 MHz or, if you pressed the "turbo button", it ran in "turbo mode" at 10 MHz, wow! No lie. It also had a 30 megabyte hard drive, more wow!]
A particularly attractive girl approaches. As she got nearer, Scott said to me something like, "Check that out!" or some other respectful comment. Strictly because I am alert and always aware of my surroundings, I recognized her as a fellow engineering student from the mechanical engineering program. I mentioned to Scott, "Yeah, I think she's mechanical". Scott, without missing a beat, said, "No man, she's real, she's definitely real!" Oh, the good times!
This next one is also true and just as great, if I do say so myself. Flash-forward from then to circa 1995. A fellow co-worker and civil engineer, Joel (unmarried guy), and I (married guy) were at a car dealership. We had gone there early in the morning to drop off his car as I recall. We were in the service department's waiting area when an attractive girl came into the room with a box of doughnuts. Joel said something like "Check that out!" I said "Yeah, they look great. I wonder if anyone can have one?" Joel (single guy) hit me and said he was talking about the girl, not the doughnuts. And so it goes.
Flash-forward yet again. The year is now approximately 1997. I am in a financial accounting class pursuing an MBA degree. My friend and co-worker, Kevin Gray, is in the class too. The topic being discussed was the Playtex Corporation and how it went through internal changes in some accounting and other practices to distance itself from some prior issues and perceptions. (Vague, huh? See how much I retained? I remember this story though.) Professor Peter "I CPA, you not CPA!" Chang was leading the discussion and mentioned Playtex's desire to separate itself from past practices. I raised my hand and offered "Professor, would that be 'lift and separate?' " Professor Chang looked at me and said in his very best english, "That bad, that vely bad". Damn! I felt like I was done for in this class. No extra credit here. He began to proceed with the lecture and then put his head down and started to chuckle. He never stopped chuckling and was barely able to get out "crass dismissed". We all left with several of our fellow students asking each other on the way out, "What happened?" I kept silent and headed for my favorite sports lounge and had a beer. It was night school after all.
Ok, with the foregoing said, you are now fully primed and can proceed safely to the following jokes. You will also note that engineers have to number their jokes so that the reader knows that a new one is about to start. We also have to let our listeners (or readers) know that what is about to come is, in fact, a joke.
Joke No. 1:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineering student replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The first engineering student said, "What a Dufus! A naked girl offers you anything and you take the bike?"
The second engineering student said, "Yeah, I didn't think the clothes would fit me." The first engineering student replied, "Good call then".
Joke No. 2:
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. (But since design fees are often based on construction estimate, that's ok.)
Joke No. 3:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those duffers? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my opthamologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Joke No. 4:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Joke No. 5:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "What is its payback time?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Joke No. 6:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"
Joke No. 7:
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Joke No. 8:
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Joke No. 9:
This one almost requires a drum roll! What do you call an engineering student who fails out of the program? An architect.
Joke No. 10:
Heard the one about the well-balanced engineer with a great social life? Me neither.
Joke No. 11:
What's the difference between an introverted engineer and an extroverted engineer? An introverted engineer looks at his shoe laces while talking to you. An extroverted engineer looks at yours.