by Jim C. Carpenter
Copyright 1999

A very fat Briton named Zounds
Went to see a dietician named Towns
Soon he had to proclaim
That his weight was the same
Though he'd lost nearly 200 pounds

A German one night in the park
Romanced a young girl in the dark
Though he gave it his best
He gave up the quest
When he learned he was missing his Marc

A Connecticut Yankee named Dean
Was snake bitten last Halloween
He recovered, they say
By Thanksgiving day
But the serpent died right at the scene

A fellow from Georgia named Hanes
Went to see a head-shrinker in Plains.
Though it wasn't his plan
He shrunk the whole man,
And now he has very close veins.

A Vegas policeman named Brown
Shot an innocent bystander down.
He told his friend Joe
He had no way to know
There were innocent people in town.

An artist from down in Van Nuys
Can draw anything when he tries
Sometimes he draws trees
And sometimes he draws bees
But what he draws mostly is flies

There was a young Okie named Greer
Who died in OK City last year
Saint Peter said, "lad
I'm exceedingly glad
For we seldom get Okies up here"

A cannibal fellow named Ralph
Was eating a Texan down South
He told his friend Pete
There's so little to eat
For Texans are nearly all mouth

A tall lanky Texan named Mort
Ran a sawmill at Galveston Port
One day as he played
He fell on the blade
And now he is sawed off and short

A big mouthed Arkie named White
Once swallowed his clock in the night
Though filled with alarm
He suffered no harm
And he wound up next morning all right

The Blond
A blond named Alice McGoo
Once dreamed she had swallowed her shoe.
She was sure it was real,
For she felt like a heel,
And she swore to her sole it was true.

The Lawyer-1
An alien space ship earth bound,
Was searching for life all around.
When a lawyer was spied,
The captain he cried,
"No intelligent life has been found!"

The lawyer-2
A cannibal fellow named Dean,
With an appetite whetted and keen.
Found a lawyer to eat,
But was forced to retreat,
For lawyers are too hard to clean.

A noted young surgeon named Dee
Tackled each operation with glee
He extracted the brain
Of a Lawyer named Wayne
Transplanting it into a flea

A backward young fellow named Stu
Never seemed to know quite what to do
He ran too and fro
Then turned on his toe
And reversed it and ran fro and too

The Hippie
There was a young Hippie named Drew
Who was proud of his family tattoo
It pictured his mother
His sister and brother
From photographs made at the zoo

The Farmer
A very young farmer named Rand,
Bought a tractor one day second hand.
He started to curse
When it hung in reverse,
And unplowed an acre of land.

The Politician
A young politician named Bert
Took a nap by the road in the dirt
A Trucker named Fred
Ran over his head
But no vital organs were hurt


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