Humor in the 19th century

Humor in the McKinney Weekly Enquirer

... in one million years, the glaciers will come down upon New England and cover her. Yankee-haters, it will be seen, have only to be patient.

The only reason why the people of this country oppose a war with Mexico is because there is no law compelling the politicians to go to the front and do the fighting.

With good beefsteak at twenty-five cents a pound, people can almost forgive the followers of Moses for falling down and worshipping [sic] a golden calf.

Francis Emerson has lost wood for years past from ravages by somebody or something. He has at last concluded it was done by insects, and has erected a barbed wire fence as a protection against them.

We have news that a man was bitten in the street here by a mad dog. The dog was shot. Too bad for the man. Too bad for the dog.

The Newer Arithmetic.

If it cost $200 for a young lady to learn painting, and she turns out two landscapes worth forty cents a piece, what is the net profit?

A girl trapped eighty-three rabbits and sold them for 13 cents each. What was the sum total and how much did she have left after buying her father a $10 overcoat?

The average woman groans 125 times per hour when suffering with the toothache, while the average man utters thirty-five cuss words every seventy seconds. At the end of three hours how far ahead will the woman be?

A man wound up an eight day clock every night for thirteen straight years. How much time, estimating three minutes for each wind, could he have put in hoeing corn had he known what sort of a clock he had? those who despair of making a livelihood in this land, we call attention to Mr. Furr a citizen of this community. It was the desire of Mr. Furr to raise hogs....but failed to secure even enough to start with. Enterprise and pluck generally come out on top and so they did in this instance. Mr Furr repaired to East Fork bottom where he caught nine young opposums one day and nine another, and took them all home and is now feeding and raising them, not for pets, but with an eye to business and profit. As Mr. Furr is a gentleman, anyone wishing information as to the “Rearing and caring for Opossums” can call on him and get full particulars.
A man was arrested here yesterday for stealing the lamps and a bible out of the Presbyterian church, which he pawned at a saloon for a drink and cigar.

Saturday evening an old man named Marshall, living two miles south of town, was taken with cramp, and to relieve the pain took half a bottle of Wizard oil. It relieved him. He was buried Sunday afternoon.

Dengue [fever], like rain, falls upon the democrat as well as the mugwump.

Since it became fashionable for young ladies to wear a collar and necktie, their superiority to men has been fully demonstrated. You never see a lady with her necktie over her ears. ... six months has taught women more in the necktie wearing art than men have learned in six thousand years. A human being that can make a necktie stay in place should have the right to cast two ballots at every election.

Jno. A. Jackson, a farmer and stock raiser of Collin county, wanting all things convenient and plentiful about his premises, had a new well dug near his stock lot during the recent drought and striking water, was so elated that he went to the house and told his wife [to fix] a splendid dinner for the hands, for they had found all the water needed. Dinner was prepared and he, going to his house well to get a drink, found it dry. He looked so bad his wife asked him if he had the dengue. “No,” said he, “but the well is as dry as a bone.” Digging the stock well had drained his house well. The chicken pies and good things did not taste well that day to friend Jackson.

Nine times out of ten the woman who is worth her weight in gold marries the man who is not worth his weight in scrap iron.

Gave Himself Away.
Charlie Masher – You seem to be cold and distant this evening, Miss Lillie.
Lillie – O, Charles, if I could only believe that you really love me – If I could only trust you.
Charlie – Why can’t you? All my other girls do.

What are you whipping Jack for?
You know there was a piece of pie left in the pantry?
Well, I’m whipping him for disturbing the piece.

Here’s to the chigger,
That’s no bigger
Than the point of a very fine pin.
but the lump that he raises
Burns like blazes,
And that’s where the rub comes in.