LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy .

  ... you just hoped nobody ever found out.

Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.

Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.

Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!

    First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

    They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.

    Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

    As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup on a warm day was always a special treat.

    We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

    We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

    We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

    No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

    We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

    We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no internet or internet chat rooms..........

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

    We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

    We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

    Little league had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

    This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

    The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

    We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

    And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS to all who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives 'for our own good.'

    Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

I saw a duck the other day.
It had the feet of my Aunt Faye.

It quacked, then headed up the hill
And waddled like my Uncle Bill.

And when it turned, I must propose,
Its bill was formed like Aunt Jane's nose.

I thought, "Oh, no! It's just my luck,
Someday I'll look just like a duck!"

I sobbed to Mom about my fears,
And she said, "Honey, dry your tears.

You look like me, so walk with pride.
Those folks are all from Daddy's side."

Only a  Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a  conniption fit, and that you don't
"HAVE" them, you "PITCH"  them. 

Only a Southerner knows how many fish,  collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a  mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out  to you the
general direction of  "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how  long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back  directly."

Even Southern babies know that  "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet  substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of  the
table.

All Southerners know exactly  when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know  the concept
well.

Only a Southerner knows  instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor  who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl  of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a  real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana  puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the  difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece."  They
also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile  or
20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and  understands, the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy,  and po'
white trash.

No true Southerner  would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is  actually going to make a
turn.

A Southerner  knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an  adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while  standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when  we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!

Put  100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're  related, even if only by marriage.

Southerners  never refer to one person as  "ya'll."

Southerners know grits come from corn  and how to eat
them.

Every Southerner knows  tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly  wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that  fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast  food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I  caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of  a
genuine Southerner!

 Only true Southerners  say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need  for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.  "Sweet
milk" means you don't want  buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you  don't scream
obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH  on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own  way.

To those of you who're still a little  embarrassed by
your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a  dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your  heart!

And to those of you who are still  having a hard time
understanding all this Southern stuff, bless  your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes  on
Southernness as a second language!

And  for those that are not from the South but have
lived here for a  long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front  porch
that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast  as I could."

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a  blessed day.
   ______

From Hilma Ardito
Author unknown

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The computer's swallowed grandma 
Yes' honestly' its true 
She pressed 'control' and 'enter' 
And disappeared from view. 

It's devoured her completely 
The thought just makes me squirm 
Maybe she's caught a virus 
Or been eaten by a worm. 

I've searched through the recycle bin 
And files of every kind 
I've even used the internet 
But nothing did I find. 

In desperation I asked Jeeves 
My searches to refine 
The reply from him was negative 
Not a thing was found 'online'. 

So, if inside your 'In Box' 
My Grandma you should see
Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' her 
In an e-mail back to me

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 By Unknown