This elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie-his favorite kind-his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why'd you do that?"
"They're for the funeral," she replied.
The bartender goes to the bathroom door to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.
"What's all the screaming about in there?! You're scaring my customers!"
A little embarassed the drunk looks around and mumbles...."I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my......uh......ummm...... well you know.... my masculinity!"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"
This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).
One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.
Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.
When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.
"But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth.
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised.
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
"What's this?" he asks.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious.
In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. They're always vacant, engaged or full of shit.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.
Q. Why are blond jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A. Who knows, it's never happened.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why do bachelors like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. Men will screw anything.
Q. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A. Half an hour of begging.
* I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8 pm.
* I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
* I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
* I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid....
* I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go
* I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up
* I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying
* I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over
* I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine
* I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care
* I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
* I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired
* I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place
* I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg
* I'm having trouble remembering simple words like....uh....
* I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate
* I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies
* I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less
* I'm going to reveal what goes on behind the green doors...
* I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days
* I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP
* I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
* I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory
* I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins
* I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the storeroom
* I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life
* Do I have Alzeimers? I don't remember. But, I'm happy, I think.
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.
"With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."
Twice Divorced Lady - SWF, enjoys sports, dinners, novies. Seeking barely tolerable SWM, 48-60, with vulgar social graces, below average looks, inconsequential means. For occasional date as a reminder to remain uninvolved. #9110
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. He goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. His is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my husband everywhere, but he keeps finding his way back.
4. I asked my husband, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!", he says. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, he shops.
6. I have an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then he said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So he bought me an electric chair.
7. My husband told me the car wasn't running well, there was water inthe carburetor. When I asked where the car was, he told me "In the lake."
8. My husband is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. He hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can he climb a tree now!
9. He got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. He ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
5. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
6. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
7. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
8. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
9. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
10. Allow me to introduce my selves.
11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
12. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
13. I'm not your type. I'm no inflatable.
14. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
15. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
16. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
17. It ain't the size, it's.... no, it's the size.
18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
19. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
21. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
22. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
23. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
24. I plead contemporary insanity.
25. And which dwarf are you?
26. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
27. Meandering to a different drummer.
Valuable scientific data. Two proposed new additions to the periodic table (from Chemistry class)of elements:
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
1. If you can't hot glue it, I don't do it.
2. I wouldn't mind weighing 500 lbs. if I could get into a size 7.
3. Sometimes it's better to be kind than it is to be right.
1. There is no such thing as child proofing your house.
2. A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound boy wearing pound puppyunderwear and a Superman cape.
4. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
5. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, lots of it.
9. A six year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says it can only be done in the movies.
10. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak...it explodes.
11. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house almost 4 inches deep.
12. LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old.
13. Duplos will not.
14. Playdough and microwaves should never be used in the same sentence.
15. Superglue is forever.
16. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
18. Marbles in a gas tank make lots of noises when driving.
19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, beseech, entertain, charm, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shave, trust, grovel, defend, coax, clothe, brag, help, acknowledge, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, listen, understand, beg, plead, nurse, phone, respect, entertain, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, snuggle, serve, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, squeeze, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, enchant, idolize and worship,Then go back, and do it again.
Show up naked.
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute: if he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
10. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
1. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
2. Now that I'm older, here's what I discovered: I STARTED out with nothing...I still have most of it.
3. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
4. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
6. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
11. It was all so different before everything changed.
12. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
14. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
15. I wish the buck stopped here...I could use a few.
16. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
17. It's hard to make a come-back when you haven't been anywhere.
18. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
19. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
20. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
21. Health is only the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
23. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else seems to wear out, fall out or spread out.
24. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory; the other two, I forget.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it is up, put it down.
3. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
4. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Dogs are better than any cat. Period.
6. Shopping is not a sport.
7. You have enough shoes.
8. You have too many shoes.
9. Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we would be any good at chosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?
10. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
11. Ask for what you want. Hints don't work.
12. No we don't know what day is is. We never will. Mark things on a calendar.
13. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are prefectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 12 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Check your own damn oil.
17. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
18. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
19. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercial - especially during football games.
20. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
21. Men arenot from Mars and women are not from Veuns. We are dogs and you chicks are cats. Case closed.
22. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
* Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies - Male groupies are stalkers.
* We can smile and get off speeding fines.
* Taxis stop for us.
* Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when we dance.
* Free drinks!
* Free dinners!
* We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
* We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
* We know the truth about whether size matters.
* Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
* No fashion faux pas we could make would ever rival Speedo's.
* We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our team mate without ever touching her ass.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* If we're dumb some people think it's cute.
* We have an excuse to be a total witch at least once a month.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we look like an idiot.
* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask if there is spinach in our teeth.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.
"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the reception desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly however, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Nothing, They all get the house.
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin' Robbins?"
Two yankees are driving through Texas, when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacked him right on top of the head with the stick.
The driver finally comes to and asks, "What was that for!?"
The Trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! The trooper smacks him with the nightstick also.
After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passenger asks, "Holy smokes, Man!! ... What did you do that for?"
The cop answers, "Just making your wishes come true."
Still incredulous, the passenger follows up with, "Huh?"
The Trooper says, "I know how you yankees are! Two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that redneck jerk would've tried that with me!'"
A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.--Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. --Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --Rita Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. --Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. --Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --Roseanne Barr
9. I think -- therefore I'm single. --Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. --Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --Maryon Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. --Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -- Gloria Steinem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. --Gloria Steinem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. --Marie Corelli
17. "Nagging" is the repetition of unpalatable truths. --Baroness Edith-Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? --Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
20. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. --Eleanor Roosevelt
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers. - Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.- Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
"THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read:
"THOAP!"
The minister said " I will begin now......"
"Cross" -- the congregation sang, "The Old Rugged Cross",
"Grace" -- they sang a verse from "Amazing Grace",
"Power" -- they sang "Power in Blood.
The last word he announced was"Sex."
The congregation looked stunned -- not a word from them -- they sat in silence while looking back and forth at one another, not knowing what to do.
All of a sudden, from in the back of the church an 87-year old lady stood up and started singing, "Precious Memories"......................
Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. Well, for their 12th birthday. the little Jewish boy gets a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a ..22 Beretta. The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each other.
The Jewish boy goes home and doesn't hide his gun well enough and his father finds it. Clearly upset he looks at the boy and says " What were you thinking? Maybe some day this is gonna come in handy? Maybe someday some guy is gonna' come up to you and ask you what time is it? What are you gonna do then? Take out your gun and SHOOT him?"
The Italian boy goes home to show his father and his father is NOT pleased
"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you are gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man. What the check ya gonna do??? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"
(the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it is up, put it down.
3. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
4. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Dogs are better than any cat. Period.
6. Shopping is not a sport.
7. You have enough shoes.
8. You have too many shoes.
9. Most guys own 2 or 3 pairs of shoes. What makes you think we would be any good at chosing which pair out of 30 would look good with your dress?
10. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
11. Ask for what you want. Hints don't work.
12. No we don't know what day is is. We never will. Mark things on a calendar.
13. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are prefectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 12 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Check your own damn oil.
17. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
18. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
19. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercial - especially during U.K. Games.
20. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
21. Men arenot from Mars and women are not from Veuns. We are dogs and you chicks are cats. Case closed.
22. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute: if he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. My reality check bounced.
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
10. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
2. Now that I'm older, here's what I discovered: I STARTED out with nothing...I still have most of it.
3. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
4. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
6. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
11. It was all so different before everything changed.
12. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
14. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
15. I wish the buck stopped here...I could use a few.
16. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
17. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
18. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
19. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
20. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
21. Health is only the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
22. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
23. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else seems to wear out, fall out or spread out.
24. There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory; the other two, I forget.
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Sweethome, Arkansas? Nice tooth!
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive. "The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up thar?"
How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
What do they call "Hee Haw" in Sweethome, Arkansas? A documentary. What do they call it in Kentucky? "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Why did God invent armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion, deciding that the brush was invented in West Virginia. Intrigued with the discovery, reporters asked the researchers how they came to the conclusion. "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin."
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.
"Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the reception desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE -- YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly however, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION -- AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
Nothing, They all get the house.
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A prison guard is shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"
Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin' Robbins?"
Two yankees are driving through Texas, when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and WHACK! The trooper smacked him right on top of the head with the stick.
The driver finally comes to and asks, "What was that for!?"
The Trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
Not wanting to make his situation with the law any worse, the driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and WHACK! The trooper smacks him with the nightstick also.
After he recovers, the somewhat dazed passenger asks, "Holy smokes, Man!! ...What did you do that for?"
The cop answers, "Just making your wishes come true."
Still incredulous, the passenger follows up with, "Huh?"
The Trooper says, "I know how you yankees are! Two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that redneck jerk would've tried that with me!'"
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
--Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. --Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --Rita Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. --Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. --Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --Roseanne Barr
9. I think -- therefore I'm single. --Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. --Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. --Maryon Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. --Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -- Gloria Steinem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. --Gloria Steinem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. --Marie Corelli
17. "Nagging" is the repetition of unpalatable truths. --Baroness Edith-Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? --Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
20. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. --Eleanor Roosevelt
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Fortune tellers are for the poor. Psychics are for the rich.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The trouble with life is, you're half way through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies!
No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
Sometimes you laugh until you cry, and sometimes you cry until you laugh.
If your not living life on the edge, your wasting space.
People who say 'Don't Postpone Joy' are usually in outrageous credit card debt.
If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.
It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, But a friend with weed is better.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstyle you like.
They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?
Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat
of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans.
The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood; a few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
What a guy really means when he says...
"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response
"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner
"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?"
"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before Iadmit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again
"We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."
Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
There was a resounding WOW! from all and congratulations.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
The minister said " I will begin now......"
"Cross" -- the congregation sang, "The Old Rugged Cross",
"Grace" -- they sang a verse from "Amazing Grace",
"Power" -- they sang "Power in Blood.
The last word he announced was"Sex."
The congregation looked stunned -- not a word from them -- they sat in silence while looking back and forth at one another, not knowing what to do.
All of a sudden, from in the back of the church an 87-year old lady stood up and started singing, "Precious Memories".......
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.................Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. They're always vacant, engaged or full of shit.
Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. Why do men like masturbation?
A. Its sex with someone they love.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. How do you save a man from drowning?
A. Take your foot off his head.
Q. Why are blond jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A. Who knows, it's never happened.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why do bachelors like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. Men will screw anything.
Q. What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A. Half an hour of begging.